Points In Favour of Great Britain Over the United States of America - c. December 4, 2012 Anno Domini
1. English accents are superior to any accent used by natives of the former colonies. In fact, were I the proprietor of a television news station, I would only hire English on-air talent. They could say things such as, "Today, a bunch of bloody yanks played silly buggers and generally comported themselves as bloody stupid gits. Cheerio!," and people would watch it.
2. The Union Jack is the most iconic flag ever.
3. No one ever named one of the greatest bands ever after the U.S. government's legislative branch. I much prefer listening to the sounds of Parliament over listening to the sounds of my upstairs neighbours' congress. Just sayin'.
Some People Are Not Meant to Appreciate Great Literature - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini
I am reading Anna Karenina and have been hearing, "Anna Karenina-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batmaaaaaaaaan!," stuck in my head all night. Once it gets in your head, you can never get it out.
Also, the chapters are numbered with roman numerals. I think if I were ever to write a novel, I would follow the same convention and would be unable to resist the temptation to work all sorts of farcical prurience into chapter thirty.
At Least Facebook No Longer Advises Me to "Poke Anyone" - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini
Facebook is creepy. Yesterday, I gave up on Facebook ever offering "Celibate" as a relationship status option, bit the bullet and selected single. Within twelve (12) hours, Facebook started showing me advertisements indicative of some very specific assumptions about the sort of women I might be wanting to meet and where I might hypothetically meet them. I clicked on the x to block one of the advertisements, selected "Other" as my reason for blocking the advertisement and typed in the following explanation:
REDACTED women do not want to meet me. They have that in commen with women of every other demographic group imaginable. Also, I am interested in the algorithms used to determine that I apparently specifically want to meet REDACTED women, as opposed to non-REDACTED women and where you obtained the data which led you to such a conclusion.
They haven't gotten back to me yet.
Self-Portrait of an Obnoxious Driver - c. December 9, 2013 Anno Domini
I stopped, second in line at a red light. A black Mercedes-Benz was first in line in the lane to my left, which was clearly marked as the sort of lane from which all vehicles are legally obligated to turn left. The light turned green, and the driver of the Mercedes-Benz wedged his vehicle betwixt my motorcar and the one immediately in fron of me. I told him, "You're not Van Gogh, and I'm not your bloody ear." I don't think he could hear me.
I Should Work In Human Resources - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini
If I were ever responsible for hiring people, I would advertise the positions for which I was hiring on television, with an announcer screaming, "YOUR JOB WILL BE SO EXCITING YOUR CUBICLE WILL HAVE AN ENTIRE OFFICE CHAIR BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One of the Many Benefits of Wearing a Pocket Watch - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini
Pulling it out and staring intently at the second hand whilst lackadasical food service or retail sector employees lollygag and perform their functions with less than an appropriate sense of urgency gives one +1 to gravitas. Attempting such a manoeuvre with a wrist watch (even a $35,000 USD Rolex) only gives one a +1 to looking like an impatient prat.
A Joke, In Unabridged Form - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini
Q: What happens to sensitive information after it is removed from a document in the interests of privacy, national security or other suchlike concerns?
A: It is devoured by the pterREDACTyl.
I Never Thought This Would Happen to Me, But... c. December 18, 2012 Anno Domini
Dear Facebook,
I never thought this would happen to me, but I have been a very bad boy. You may recall that the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspended my driving priviliges due to another gentleman named Jonathan Roberts exceeding the posted speed limit in a work zone by a substantial margin. I may not have been at fault for that, but since 12:00 a.m. on July 1, 2012 Anno Domini, I have been doing something even naughtier... driving dirty. You see, after a series of telephone calls between myself, the NCDMV and the Rowan County Clerk of the Court, the NCDMV did, in fact, remove the erroneous citation from my driving record but never removed the resulting erroneous suspension from my record. Consequently, I continued driving dirty, without a care in the world, throughout the month of July. Then, on August 1, when the original suspension was scheduled to expire, I failed to submit a petition for the reinstatement of my license, along with $50 USD in unmarked, non-sequential bills, to the NCDMV (as required by law), and the NCDMV declined to bestow the unrequested reinstatement upon my unworthy self. I did not become aware of just how unlicensed to operate a motor vehicle I was until December 17, when I received a notice stating my insurance had been cancelled due to my failure to obtain reinstatement of my driving privileges. At any time during the past five months and seventeen days, I could have been arrested. I dare say I owe my freedom at this moment to nothing other than my complete and utter compliance will all traffic regulations and the fact that the Town of Pineville's constabulatory is not particularly inclined to stop members of my race and/or ethic group without cause.
How Things Would Shake Down if I Ever Requested a Woman's Telephone Number - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini
Dramatis Personae
Jonathan, a rakishly affable gentleman with an affinity for vintage 70's attire and seemingly-vintage 70's flip phones similar to this
Hypothetical Lady, a hypothetical human female, most likely dark-haired, brown-eyes, wearing glasses and perhaps between 26 and 36 years of age
Jonathan: Excuse me, miss, but despite knowing absolutely nothing as far as your character, values or beliefs regarding the fundamental moral laws of the universe, never mind even weightier matters such as the ideosyncracies of your sense of humour, I find myself compelled to request your telephone number due to your outstanding pulchritude and certain proclivities of mine regarding dark hair, brown eyes and glasses.
Hypothetical Lady: I don't normally give my number to strange men, but your suit and that red hat you're wearing seem to have entirely eroded my inhibitions.
Jonathan: * Removes mobile telephone from pocket and flips it open*
Hypothetical Lady: Seven-zero-four *Gasps* Dear God, what is that thing? Did you find that in an ancient Mayan ruin or did you get it after the string on your two tin cans tied together broke? I'm not giving my number to any man who wants to input it into such a shamefully outdated device. Get an iPhone, then we'll talk. Except by the time you get a smartphone, the rest of us will probably have subdermal ansible implants like Ender Wiggin in Speaker for the Dead and you'll still be a loser. Bye.
My Letter to Santa - c. December 24, 2012 Anno Domini
Dear Mr. Claus,
For my Christmas gift this year, I would like for you to stop deceiving yourself and recognize the wickedness inherent in human nature by putting everyone on the naughty list once and for all. I would also like for no one to react to the granting of my Christmas wish in an emotional manner because emotion is an impediment to the making and implementation of sound moral decisions.
Sincerely,
The only gentleman who rocks a red suit harder than you
A Long Time Ago, On a Campus Far, Far Away - c. January 13, 2013 Anno Domini
I used to carry a small flying disc, of the sort used to mark one's lie in disc golf, with me around campus in case an opportunity for an impromptu game presented itself on the quadrangle or in a hallway (with the exception of Dodgefrisbee, which was always played in a dormitory hallway with between two and four full-sized Ultimate discs, but that is a different story.) On one such occasion, I randomly encountered a young lady with whom I had played ultimate once or twice whilst she was waiting for a bus, so I stopped to say hello and amiably toss the disc back and forth for a while. We kept that up until the bus arrived, at which point she pocketed my disc and boarded the bus. I never saw that disc again.
At that point in my life, I was not the sort of bloke who took the theft of a flying disc lying down, but this case presented a minor dilemma of etiquette. The lady in question had an identical twin who also attended our fine educational institution and shared a room with her. I knew both their names and was somewhat acquainted with both of them, but could not tell them apart even when they were together. One was one-half of an inch taller than the other for some reason unrelated to genetics, but I couldn't recall which was taller. In any event, they were both a few inches taller than I, and I found it difficult to tell the difference in person. This probably sounds like the sort of horribly-contrived scenario one sees in a wretched teen comedy, but it was actually my life. I could have easily found their room and requested the return of my disc, but I didn't want to accost the wrong sister and accuse her of larceny. That would have been uncouth. I also didn't particularly want to admit to either of them that I didn't know which was which. My life being what it was in those days, that would have assuredly led to the sort of abominable hijinks one ususally sees in a wretched teen comedy.
Early today, I was thinking about how much different my life would be if I had made a point of pursuing the lady in question and recovering the disc. Then I realized I have a similar disc (of a different colour and with a different logo, but of the same dimensions and material composition) next to the computer in my bedroom and I use it as a coaster. In light of that, the biggest difference in my life if I had pursued the small-time Carmen Sandiego wannabe who made off with my disc would have been that I would not have spilled hot Earl Grey tea into my keyboard two years later, ruining the c, x and v keys forever and would not have needed to purchase a new keyboard.
It's Super Ineffective! - c. January 16, 2013 Anno Domini
Facebook, like Pokemons, can apparently be trained. A while back, it (Facebook, not Pokemon) began presenting advertisements for dating web sites to me at an alarming rate1. Most of the advertisements were extremely specific in terms. First, it suggested I meet Asian women without specifying any particular nationality2. Then it moved on to Chinese women3, single mothers4, older women5, Russian mail order brides6 and Korean women7 in that order. Yesterday and today, it suggested I settle down with a nice Jewish girl8. On each occasion, I instructed Facebook to hide all advertisements from the offending site and marked "sexually explicit" as my reason for doing so. Finally, after all my efforts to train Facebook to recognize that I am not on the market, so to speak, I got an advertisement for the final installment in Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson's Wheel of Time series9 and a Lord of the Rings-themed tour of New Zealand10. Pretty soon, I should have Facebook showing me advertisements for twenty-sided dice, Magic cards and whatever else guys who couldn't get a date to save their 20th-level mage's life if they tried play with.
6You're just going to have to take my word for this one, because I don't remember the Universal Resource Locator and I'm not searching for mail order bride sites trying to find one just to fake it. What if I died and someone looked at my browser history without reading this footnote to put it in context?
The Benefits of Home Ownership - c. January 31, 2013 Anno Domini
I kind of want to upgrade my smoke alarm so it will play songs such as Fire by the Ohio Players, Disco Inferno by the Trammps and Hot Stuff by Donna Summer when activated instead of emitting the usual fiendish screeching noise when activated, but I'm pretty sure that would violate the terms of my lease.
Djinn and Juice Is So Delicious Quaff That Stuff and Get Three Wishes - c. February 10, 2013 Anno Domini
I seriously just realized Snoop Dogg was saying, "Gin and juice," in that song.
Things I Have Learned Today (As of 5:17 Post Meridian) - c. February 12, 2013 Anno Domini
1. I am an idiot
Ok, I already knew that but I didn't know I was the sort of idiot who purchased tickets for a concert in New York City through the internet, had an actual ticket mailed to him instead of printing it himself, boarded a plane departing for Laguardia and realized he left the ticket in Pineville.
2. Ticketmaster is not 100 percent evil
I called Ticketmaster and told them I lost my ticket. A very helpful customer support agent contacted the box office staff at the venue and told them to admit me based on my privision of government-issued photographic identfication, the credit card I used to purchase my ticket and my confirmation number.
3. Wearing a suit without a hat in the presence of a lady is very awkward
I suppose it would be less awkward if one did not forget one was not wearing a hat, but I passed several ladies on the streets of Manhattan and began to doff my hat to them before realize I was hatless. One lady even rolled her eyes at me, although she could have been rolling her eyes at my choice of a red and black striped tie with a purple shirt instead of my hat-doffing fail. Actually, I would chalk it up to the natural tendency of the human female to roll its eyes (or even look askance) toward me without apparent provocation. I still feel awkward without a hat.
4. It is possible to crash a press conference promoting a prizefight without being a credentialed member of the media, a prizefighter scheduled to participate in the fight or a member of either prizefighter's entourage.
All you have to do is dress sharp and nod at the gatekeeper without slowing down as you walk in. Once I was inside, I had the run of the place and no one bothered me at all. Of course, I did avoid walking in front of the television cameras while the prizefighters were being interviewed. I think I had about 50 pounds on either of them, but I didn't want to start anything. Here's a video of the pugilist whose interview I watched from right behind the cameraman... Adrien Broner
Things I Learned Yesterday (Post-5:17 p.m. Edition)
5. I kind of look like a john in the dark
At 4:47 a.m., at the intersection of 49th Street and 8th Avenue, a man approached me and asked, "Are you looking for some females?" I told him I was not. He asked, in a somewhat confrontational tone of voice, "Are you sure you're not looking?" I told him, again, I was not looking for any females. He asked again, with a very confrontational tone. I told him I was not in search of any females, and he left. The would-be pander was wearing jeans and a gray hoodie, whilst I was bedecked in my purple suit, a green shirt, a purple ascot and as many strings of Mardi Gras beads as Mr. T had gold chains.
