VOLUME XXII - Looking For Some Females and Other Tales

Points In Favour of Great Britain Over the United States of America - c. December 4, 2012 Anno Domini

1. English accents are superior to any accent used by natives of the former colonies.  In fact, were I the proprietor of a television news station, I would only hire English on-air talent.  They could say things such as, "Today, a bunch of bloody yanks played silly buggers and generally comported themselves as bloody stupid gits.  Cheerio!," and people would watch it.

2. The Union Jack is the most iconic flag ever.

3.  No one ever named one of the greatest bands ever after the U.S. government's legislative branch.  I much prefer listening to the sounds of Parliament over listening to the sounds of my upstairs neighbours' congress.  Just sayin'.

Some People Are Not Meant to Appreciate Great Literature - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini

I am reading Anna Karenina and have been hearing, "Anna Karenina-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batmaaaaaaaaan!," stuck in my head all night.  Once it gets in your head, you can never get it out.

Also, the chapters are numbered with roman numerals.  I think if I were ever to write a novel, I would follow the same convention and would be unable to resist the temptation to work all sorts of farcical prurience into chapter thirty.

At Least Facebook No Longer Advises Me to "Poke Anyone" - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini

Facebook is creepy.  Yesterday, I gave up on Facebook ever offering "Celibate" as a relationship status option, bit the bullet and selected single.  Within twelve (12) hours, Facebook started showing me advertisements indicative of some very specific assumptions about the sort of women I might be wanting to meet and where I might hypothetically meet them.  I clicked on the x to block one of the advertisements, selected "Other" as my reason for blocking the advertisement and typed in the following explanation:

REDACTED women do not want to meet me.  They have that in commen with women of every other demographic group imaginable.  Also, I am interested in the algorithms used to determine that I apparently specifically want to meet REDACTED women, as opposed to non-REDACTED women and where you obtained the data which led you to such a conclusion.

They haven't gotten back to me yet.

Self-Portrait of an Obnoxious Driver - c. December 9, 2013 Anno Domini

I stopped, second in line at a red light.  A black Mercedes-Benz was first in line in the lane to my left, which was clearly marked as the sort of lane from which all vehicles are legally obligated to turn left.  The light turned green, and the driver of the Mercedes-Benz wedged his vehicle betwixt my motorcar and the one immediately in fron of me.  I told him, "You're not Van Gogh, and I'm not your bloody ear."  I don't think he could hear me.

I Should Work In Human Resources - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini

If I were ever responsible for hiring people, I would advertise the positions for which I was hiring on television, with an announcer screaming, "YOUR JOB WILL BE SO EXCITING YOUR CUBICLE WILL HAVE AN ENTIRE OFFICE CHAIR BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One of the Many Benefits of Wearing a Pocket Watch - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini

Pulling it out and staring intently at the second hand whilst lackadasical food service or retail sector employees lollygag and perform their functions with less than an appropriate sense of urgency gives one +1 to gravitas.  Attempting such a manoeuvre with a wrist watch (even a $35,000 USD Rolex) only gives one a +1 to looking like an impatient prat.

A Joke, In Unabridged Form - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini

Q: What happens to sensitive information after it is removed from a document in the interests of privacy, national security or other suchlike concerns?

A: It is devoured by the pterREDACTyl.

I Never Thought This Would Happen to Me, But... c. December 18, 2012 Anno Domini

Dear Facebook,

I never thought this would happen to me, but I have been a very bad boy.  You may recall that the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspended my driving priviliges due to another gentleman named Jonathan Roberts exceeding the posted speed limit in a work zone by a substantial margin.  I may not have been at fault for that, but since 12:00 a.m. on July 1, 2012 Anno Domini, I have been doing something even naughtier... driving dirty.  You see, after a series of telephone calls between myself, the NCDMV and the Rowan County Clerk of the Court, the NCDMV did, in fact, remove the erroneous citation from my driving record but never removed the resulting erroneous suspension from my record.  Consequently, I continued driving dirty, without a care in the world, throughout the month of July.  Then, on August 1, when the original suspension was scheduled to expire, I failed to submit a petition for the reinstatement of my license, along with $50 USD in unmarked, non-sequential bills, to the NCDMV (as required by law), and the NCDMV declined to bestow the unrequested reinstatement upon my unworthy self.  I did not become aware of just how unlicensed to operate a motor vehicle I was until December 17, when I received a notice stating my insurance had been cancelled due to my failure to obtain reinstatement of my driving privileges.  At any time during the past five months and seventeen days, I could have been arrested.  I dare say I owe my freedom at this moment to nothing other than my complete and utter compliance will all traffic regulations and the fact that the Town of Pineville's constabulatory is not particularly inclined to stop members of my race and/or ethic group without cause.

How Things Would Shake Down if I Ever Requested a Woman's Telephone Number - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini

Dramatis Personae

Jonathan, a rakishly affable gentleman with an affinity for vintage 70's attire and seemingly-vintage 70's flip phones similar to this

Hypothetical Lady, a hypothetical human female, most likely dark-haired, brown-eyes, wearing glasses and perhaps between 26 and 36 years of age

Jonathan: Excuse me, miss, but despite knowing absolutely nothing as far as your character, values or beliefs regarding the fundamental moral laws of the universe, never mind even weightier matters such as the ideosyncracies of your sense of humour, I find myself compelled to request your telephone number due to your outstanding pulchritude and certain proclivities of mine regarding dark hair, brown eyes and glasses.

Hypothetical Lady: I don't normally give my number to strange men, but your suit and that red hat you're wearing seem to have entirely eroded my inhibitions.

Jonathan: * Removes mobile telephone from pocket and flips it open*

Hypothetical Lady: Seven-zero-four *Gasps*  Dear God, what is that thing?  Did you find that in an ancient Mayan ruin or did you get it after the string on your two tin cans tied together broke?  I'm not giving my number to any man who wants to input it into such a shamefully outdated device.  Get an iPhone, then we'll talk.  Except by the time you get a smartphone, the rest of us will probably have subdermal ansible implants like Ender Wiggin in Speaker for the Dead and you'll still be a loser.  Bye.

My Letter to Santa - c. December 24, 2012 Anno Domini

Dear Mr. Claus,

For my Christmas gift this year, I would like for you to stop deceiving yourself and recognize the wickedness inherent in human nature by putting everyone on the naughty list once and for all.  I would also like for no one to react to the granting of my Christmas wish in an emotional manner because emotion is an impediment to the making and implementation of sound moral decisions.

Sincerely,

The only gentleman who rocks a red suit harder than you

A Long Time Ago, On a Campus Far, Far Away - c. January 13, 2013 Anno Domini

I used to carry a small flying disc, of the sort used to mark one's lie in disc golf, with me around campus in case an opportunity for an impromptu game presented itself on the quadrangle or in a hallway (with the exception of Dodgefrisbee, which was always played in a dormitory hallway with between two and four full-sized Ultimate discs, but that is a different story.)  On one such occasion, I randomly encountered a young lady with whom I had played ultimate once or twice whilst she was waiting for a bus, so I stopped to say hello and amiably toss the disc back and forth for a while.  We kept that up until the bus arrived, at which point she pocketed my disc and boarded the bus.  I never saw that disc again.

At that point in my life, I was not the sort of bloke who took the theft of a flying disc lying down, but this case presented a minor dilemma of etiquette.  The lady in question had an identical twin who also attended our fine educational institution and shared a room with her.  I knew both their names and was somewhat acquainted with both of them, but could not tell them apart even when they were together.  One was one-half of an inch taller than the other for some reason unrelated to genetics, but I couldn't recall which was taller.  In any event, they were both a few inches taller than I, and I found it difficult to tell the difference in person.  This probably sounds like the sort of horribly-contrived scenario one sees in a wretched teen comedy, but it was actually my life.  I could have easily found their room and requested the return of my disc, but I didn't want to accost the wrong sister and accuse her of larceny.  That would have been uncouth.  I also didn't particularly want to admit to either of them that I didn't know which was which.  My life being what it was in those days, that would have assuredly led to the sort of abominable hijinks one ususally sees in a wretched teen comedy.

Early today, I was thinking about how much different my life would be if I had made a point of pursuing the lady in question and recovering the disc.  Then I realized I have a similar disc (of a different colour and with a different logo, but of the same dimensions and material composition) next to the computer in my bedroom and I use it as a coaster.  In light of that, the biggest difference in my life if I had pursued the small-time Carmen Sandiego wannabe who made off with my disc would have been that I would not have spilled hot Earl Grey tea into my keyboard two years later, ruining the c, x and v keys forever and would not have needed to purchase a new keyboard.

It's Super Ineffective! - c. January 16, 2013 Anno Domini

Facebook, like Pokemons, can apparently be trained.  A while back, it (Facebook, not Pokemon) began presenting advertisements for dating web sites to me at an alarming rate¹.  Most of the advertisements were extremely specific in terms.  First, it suggested I meet Asian women without specifying any particular nationality².  Then it moved on to Chinese women³, single mothers⁴, older women⁵, Russian mail order brides⁶ and Korean women⁷ in that order.  Yesterday and today, it suggested I settle down with a nice Jewish girl⁸.   On each occasion, I instructed Facebook to hide all advertisements from the offending site and marked "sexually explicit" as my reason for doing so.  Finally, after all my efforts to train Facebook to recognize that I am not on the market, so to speak, I got an advertisement for the final installment in Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson's Wheel of Time series⁹ and a Lord of the Rings-themed tour of New Zealand¹⁰.  Pretty soon, I should have Facebook showing me advertisements for twenty-sided dice, Magic cards and whatever else guys who couldn't get a date to save their 20th-level mage's life if they tried play with.

¹At Least Facebook No Longer Advises Me to Poke Anyone, Roberts, J.D.

²http://www.meetasiawomen.com

³http://www.www.internationalcupid.com/Chinese

⁴http://www.maturesinglesonly.com

⁶You're just going to have to take my word for this one, because I don't remember the Universal Resource Locator and I'm not searching for mail order bride sites trying to find one just to fake it.  What if I died and someone looked at my browser history without reading this footnote to put it in context?

⁷http://www.koreancupid.com

⁸http://www.jdate.com

⁹http://www.amazon.com

¹⁰http://www.newzealand.com/us/home-of-middle-earth

The Benefits of Home Ownership - c. January 31, 2013 Anno Domini

I kind of want to upgrade my smoke alarm so it will play songs such as Fire by the Ohio Players, Disco Inferno by the Trammps and Hot Stuff by Donna Summer when activated instead of emitting the usual fiendish screeching noise when activated, but I'm pretty sure that would violate the terms of my lease.

Djinn and Juice Is So Delicious Quaff That Stuff and Get Three Wishes - c. February 10, 2013 Anno Domini

I  seriously just realized Snoop Dogg was saying, "Gin and juice," in that song.

Things I Have Learned Today (As of 5:17 Post Meridian) - c. February 12, 2013 Anno Domini

1. I am an idiot

Ok, I already knew that but I didn't know I was the sort of idiot who purchased tickets for a concert in New York City through the internet, had an actual ticket mailed to him instead of printing it himself, boarded a plane departing for Laguardia and realized he left the ticket in Pineville.

2. Ticketmaster is not 100 percent evil

I called Ticketmaster and told them I lost my ticket.  A very helpful customer support agent contacted the box office staff at the venue and told them to admit me based on my privision of government-issued photographic identfication, the credit card I used to purchase my ticket and my confirmation number.

3. Wearing a suit without a hat in the presence of a lady is very awkward

I suppose it would be less awkward if one did not forget one was not wearing a hat, but I passed several ladies on the streets of Manhattan and began to doff my hat to them before realize I was hatless.  One lady even rolled her eyes at me, although she could have been rolling her eyes at my choice of a red and black striped tie with a purple shirt instead of my hat-doffing fail.  Actually, I would chalk it up to the natural tendency of the human female to roll its eyes (or even look askance) toward me without apparent provocation.  I still feel awkward without a hat.

4. It is possible to crash a press conference promoting a prizefight without being a credentialed member of the media, a prizefighter scheduled to participate in the fight or a member of either prizefighter's entourage.

All you have to do is dress sharp and nod at the gatekeeper without slowing down as you walk in.  Once I was inside, I had the run of the place and no one bothered me at all.  Of course, I did avoid walking in front of the television cameras while the prizefighters were being interviewed.  I think I had about 50 pounds on either of them, but I didn't want to start anything.  Here's a video of the pugilist whose interview I watched from right behind the cameraman... Adrien Broner

Things I Learned Yesterday (Post-5:17 p.m. Edition)

5. I kind of look like a john in the dark

At 4:47 a.m., at the intersection of 49th Street and 8th Avenue, a man approached me and asked, "Are you looking for some females?"  I told him I was not.  He asked, in a somewhat confrontational tone of voice, "Are you sure you're not looking?"  I told him, again, I was not looking for any females.  He asked again, with a very confrontational tone.  I told him I was not in search of any females, and he left.  The would-be pander was wearing jeans and a gray hoodie, whilst I was bedecked in my purple suit, a green shirt, a purple ascot and as many strings of Mardi Gras beads as Mr. T had gold chains.

VOLUME XXI – My Rise to R-List Celebrity Status and Other Tales

How Stupid Does Amazon Think I Am? - c. February 3, 2012 Anno Domini

I recently ordered Twenty Years After, The Vicomte de Bragelonne, Louise de la Valliere, and The Man in the Iron Mask from Amazon.com.  All four books were written by Alexandre Dumas as sequels toThe Three Musketeers.  Yesterday, Amazon sent me an e-mail to recommend that I purchase The Three Musketeers.  Do the fools running that organization really think I wouldbe foolish enough to order four sequels to a book I had not already read?  Of course, they can review their records and determine that have never purchased The Three Musketeers from them, but they are hardly the only source of books in the world.  In fact, they could have easily used my shipping address (to which they shipped the four aforementioned sequels) and the store locator at http://www.barnesandnoble.com to determine there is a Barnes & Noble store 1.51 miles from my residence and used logic to deduce that I had purchased The Three Musketeers from that store.  Instead, they insult me.  For that, I am of a mind to invite them to meet me behind the Carmes-Deschaux monastary.

The Media Can't Get Enough of My Swagger - c. February 7, 2012 Anno Domini

I attended a women's  basketball game between Duke and the University of North Carolina.  After the game, a couple of ladies with a large television camera asked to interview me.  I consented to the interview, and the first question they asked was, "What can you tell us about your suit?"  They said they were from ESPNU and asked a few questions and basketball and the Duke/UNC rivalry too, but I think they were primarily interested in the suit.  I would not go as far as to say they stole a camera from ESPN and claimed to need to interview me as a pretext for inquiring about my suit, but I can't discount the possibility.

They Could Have Added Copious Quantitites of Coprological Material to the Recipe in July 2008* - c. February 15, 2012 Anno Domini

I purchased and consumed a 10-piece order of Chicken McNuggets today.  A disclaimer on the bottom of the box stated, "Information accurate as of 06/08," in reference to the nutrition information.  Seriously?** This is 2012 Anno Domini.

* Curse Facebook for imposing a character limit on Note titles, thereby preventing me from writing the date as July 2008 Anno Domini.  Mr. Zuckerberg hates me and does little things like that to vex me all the time.

** If I did not have deeply-rooted philosophical objections*** to the orthographical abomination known as the "interrobang" I would have used one there.  Fortunately for my readers, I do have the aforementioned deeply-rooted philosophical objections because if I didn't, I wouldn't care that they did.  If any of my readers don't share my deeply-rooted philosophical objections, STOP READING MY BLOG YOU FOUL INTERROBANG-SYMPATHISER!

*** Inquire if you really want to know.

I Wish I Were Sufficiently Wealthy to Purchase an Aircraft - c. March 6, 2012 Anno Domini

I would paint a graph paper pattern, complete with X and Y axes, onto it and refer to it as my Cartesian Plane.

Jets Acquire Tim Tebow - c. March 21, 2012 Anno Domini

March 21, 2012 - The New York Jets acquired Tim Tebow and a seventh-round draft pick from the Denver Broncos in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a sixth round selection.  When asked what led his time to make the trade, Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, "We're putting a bounty on this Tebow kid, $1,000 to the first player who can provoke him to drop an F-bomb in practice.  Five hundred to anyone who can get him to say REDACTED or REDACTED, and two fifty for REDACTED.  Practice will be a little more interesting this year.  A little friendly competition at the expense of Timmy should give Sanchez and Santonio something to bond over and get over that REDACTED from last season."  In response to a question about whether the Jets planned to use Tebow at quarterback as an occasional change of pace to Sanchez, Ryan said, "Oh, REDACTED!  You think I would REDACTED put that REDACTED on the REDACTED field?  You've got to be REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED with me."

I Was the Victim of a Hit and Run - c. April 12, 2012 Anno Domini

On Monday afternoon, I drove my miniature Hyundai past a boys' lacrosse team practicing outside a school on Fairview Road.  One player's errant shot cleared a fence surrounding the field, crossed one lane of traffic and struck my driver's side door.  The insolent ball bounced away to devil knows where without even stopping to trade insurance information.  Fortunately, it did not cause any damage.  For the sake of my vehicle's condition and of my health, I'm glad it wasn't anything larger such as a soccer ball or a hay bale.

The Unforeseen Consequences of Ray Rice Fumbling Twice in One Game - c. April 30, 2012 Anno Domini

I checked my fantasy baseball team today on http://www.espn.com, and my team page prominently featured a link to a list of positions for which The Worldwide Leader is now hiring.  No Sportscenter anchors needed, but two of the positions listed were Deputy Fantasy Editor and Statistics Analyst I.  I assume that if one were to apply, an e-mail address would be required.  If one submitted the e-mail address associated with his/her fantasy teams on ESPN, ESPN could, in theory, look up one's past fantasy sports performance and use that to evaluate one's candidacy.  I hate to think that, were I seeking employment, someone in ESPN's human resources department could take a look at the lackluster 2011 performance of Snakes Breaking the Plane and say, "Oh, h-ll no!  This loser obviously shouldn't be allowed to speak about, write about or even think about fantasy sports on his own time, let alone work for us."

Fortunately, I am already employed, else I'd have to seriously consider changing my fantasy baseball team's name to something more professional than The MVPED Users.

I Don't Think She Activated the Silent Alarm - May 1, 2012 Anno Domini


Bank Teller: You're dressed fancy today...
J. D. Roberts: Well, I just got out of work
Bank Teller: Where do you work?
The Inner Monologue of J. D. Roberts: What is it to you, as long as I properly endorsed the check which I am depositing and completed the corresponding deposit slip correctly using only blue or black ink?
J. D. Roberts: I work in a  call center in the [REDACTED] Corporate Park
Bank Teller: And they make you dress like that?
J. D. Roberts: No, but they allow me to.  It's great.

Only a few minutes prior, I went to Target and an employee told me, "I hope you're not offended, but you look like a mobster."

How Not to Be Clobbered With an Umbrella - c. May 24, 2012 Anno Domini


Dramatis Personae

Ladies' Man..... A rakish fellow who bears no resemblance to any person living or dead, unless such resemblence be entirely coincidental
Lady............. A female, typicall of her gender
Parasol.......... Not intended to protect the user from rain, sleet, snow, acid rain, humidity, hailstones, a hail of bullets, falling rocks, meteor showers, actual showers, buckets of water poured by washerwomen out of windows onto unsuspecting passers-by, ions in solution combining to form insoluble compounds or any other form of precipitation.  Any dampness, saturation, drowning, lacerations, contusions, chronic traumatic encephalopathy or drowning caused by misuse of this parasol is the sole responsibility of the consumer.
Chorus.......... Essentially a bevy of uncredited extras, but with the gravitas of Greek dramatic tradition

ACT I
Ladies' Man: Hey baby, is this that Other Castle that Toad is always talking about? Because I think I just found my princess.
Lady: (dismissively) No, it's not.
Ladies' Man: Are you sure?  You look like a real Peach.
Lady: (uses Parasol to brutally clobber Ladies' Man)

ACT II
Chorus: I bet he's really feeling small after that clobbering.  Ba-dum ching!

FIN

Asexual Humor - c. May 26, 2012 Anno Domini

A Paramecium walks into a bar, buys itself a drink and says to itself, "Hey baby, why don't I go back to my place and undergo binary fission?"

People in the Grocery Store With Kids Say the Darndest Things - c. June 9, 2012 Anno Domini

I child who appeared to be two or three years old pointed at me in the grocery store today and said, "Da-da!"  A woman who appeared to be his grandmother (but I make no assumptions) said to the offending child, "He's someone's da-da but not your da-da."  I restrained an impulse to tell her, "I am no one's da-da and never will be.  Also, get that child to an optometrist.  I obviously don't even look like his da-da, because if his da-da looked like me his ma-ma would never have allowed his da-da to help her make him."  If I hadn't had better things to do than reprimand acid-tongued old women, I probably would have said it to her.

An Open Letter to People Named Jonathan David Roberts Who Are Not Me - c. July 3, 2012 Anno Domini


Dear everyone named Jonathan David Roberts who is not me,

Please do not drive at a speed of seventy-two (72) miles per hour in work zones in which the posted speed limit is fifty-five (55) miles per hour whilst in Rowan County, North Carolina.  As per General Statute 20-16.1(a), such a crime will result in the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspending someone's privilege to operate a motor vehicle for a period of thirty (30) days.  It is customary for the individual who committed the violation and the individual whose privilege is suspended to be one and the same, but the NCDMV employs at least one addlepated git who sees no need to conform to that particular convention, provided that the perpetrator and the suspendee have the same first, middle and last names.  This civil disservant sees no need to confirm other data, e.g. license number, date of birth, address and mother's maiden name.  Aside from causing inconvenience to law abiding Jonathan David Robertses such as myself, you could also inflict injury or death upon innocent workers employed by the state to maintain and improve our roadways.

Fortunately, the good people at the Rowan County Courthouse are very competent and willing to assist in the rectification of such stupifying miscarriages of justice (i.e. erroneous suspensions of the driving privileges of people who share first, middle and last names with people who exceed posted speed limits in work zones, not injury or death), although even they are unable to take corrective action until the following Monday morning if the suspendee learns of the suspension after the close of business ona  Friday.

If you are indeed the Jonathan David Roberts who committed the aforementioned offense, you will most likely soon learn how bloody inconvenient the suspension of one's driving privileges can be.  For your sake, I can only hope you aren't also summoned to jury duty while your privilege is suspended and your mobile telephone doesn't cease to function before such privilege is restored.

Sincerely,
Jonathan David Roberts

Q: What is Iron Man Without His Suit? - c. July 20, 2012 Anno Domini

A: Tony Starkers

The Temptation to Mix One's Dry Cleaning With One's Dry Wit - c. August 11, 2012 Anno Domini

I recently went to my regular dry cleaner to pick up my white suit, my blue suit and my purple suit whilst clad in a light gray suit with purple pinstripes, a light green shirt and a dark purple Jerry Garcia tie.  The dry cleaning lady with whom I regularly conduct business was not there, but the woman on duty (who appared to be of an age with my mum) greeted me by saying, "Hello, Mack Daddy."  Upon retrieving my suits, she commented that they must look good on me.  I replied truthfully that they are wonderful suits and would look good on anyone.  She proceeded to say I must look like a pimp whilst wearing them, and I told her my mother didn't very much like any of the three.  She asked why, and I was sorely tempted to say, "Because they incite women to bandy about epithets such as Mack Daddy and Pimp in reference to me," but instead demurely told her, "My mother's taste tends to run a bit more conservative than that."

Job Interview Tips From the Master - September 3, 2012 Anno Domini

Next time a job interviewer asks you the stereotypical question about where you see yourself five years from now, tell him/her, "That is a philosophical and theological question which is outside the scope of the hiring process, because I have only three years to live.  I intend to spend as much of that three years as possible doing highly challenging, meaningful work which will enable me to experience significant professional growth."  The interviewer will not pursue that line of questioning any further and will most likely hire you out of either pity or fear of a lawsuit alleging discrimination against individuals with unspecified terminal illnesses.  Just don't blame me if your fourth annual performance evaulation is a little awkward.

Women Should Not Speak of Manly Things Beyond Their Comprehension - c. September 3, 2012 Anno Domini

I purchased three ottomen, which appear to be black, ottoman-sized six-sided dice with white pips, from Wal-Mart.  Whilst I was waiting to check out, a female approached and asked me, "So, are those gaming chairs?"  I did not want to engage in any more conversation than necessary with a daft female who knew not the difference between an ottoman and a gaming chair so I replied, "Sure... something like that, I suppose," despite the fact that they were clearly ottomen and not gaming chairs, and continued minding my own business.  My own business, I must admit, has in no small part consisted of sitting on one of the ottomen and simultaneously playing Red Dead Redemption, but that means nothing.  Nothing!

Laundry Night - c. September 27, 2012 Anno Domini


Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)
Put some detergent in the machine
Then start it up to get your clothes clean
T-shirts here, gym shorts there, underwear
Some garments may be labeled "Handle With Care"
This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!
This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!
Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)

May/December Romances c. September 29, 2012 Anno Domini

I could almost tolerate being involved with a lady if I only had to deal with her for two (non-consecutive!) months each year and it didn't conflict with March Madness, the World Series or the Super Bowl.  Alas, the Natsu Basho is in May, and I suffer no distractions during hon-basho.

I Love When People Unwittingly Set Me Up to Quote Classic Song Lyrics - c. October 4, 2012 Anno Domini

My friend Atilla invited me to a cookout at his place last week, but I told him I had to take my pet snake to the veterinarian that day.  He said I was welcome to come with my snake after the appointment, so I took him up on the offer.  On the day of the event, my snake and I got stuck waiting in the veterinarian's lobby for one hour and forty-five minutes and consequently arrived late to the cookout.  Attila said they still had plenty of burgers on the grill but were regrettably out of buns.  I helped myself to a burger anyway, and Atilla said there was enough for me to even feed one to my snake if she were interested.  I said to Attila, "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."  He was not amused.

1 |-|4d 4 f145|=|b4(|< 70 2001 - c. October 5, 2012 Anno Domini

I saw Charlotte-Mecklenburg school bus number 1337 on the road whilst driving today.  I am kind of hoping it was taking the best and brightest of our elementary school students home from a super-secret 1337 h4XX0r training program where they are learning all sorts of pwnage, but the truth is probably far more /\/\|_||\||)4|\|3 than that.

People Who Cannot Drive Need to Be Sufficiently Familiar With Greek Mythology to Know When They Are Being Insulted - c. October 6, 2012 Anno Domini


Things I actually said to other drivers whilst northbound on Interstate 85 today...

You should get vanity plates that say "ARACHNE" if you're going to continue weaving in and out of traffic like that.

Who do you think you are to cut me off like that?  Atropos?

How Kids Talk Trash These Days, Apparently, c. November 4, 2012 Anno Domini


Overheard in section 16 of Wallace Wade Stadium last night...

Clemson Fan  Child: You're a donkey.
Duke Fan Child: Your mom's a donkey.
Clemson Fan Child: Your wife's a mule.
Duke Fan Child: Your pops is a... insect.
Clemson Fan Child: Your great-great-great-great-grandma was EARWAX!!!!!

Confirmation Bias - c. November 17, 2012 Anno Domini

During an idle period at work last night, a co-worker and I discussed Skyrim.  Shortly thereafter, I left to get something to eat.  At the intersection of Ballantyne Commons Parkway and Johnston Road, I stopped for a red light and a car with a license plate stating "FUS-RO-DAH" stopped next to me.  It reminded me of the time I was using E. Honda in Street Fighter II Turbo (during my high school years) and saw a HONDA Civic on the road afterwards.  On another occasion, I discussed the Sega Genesis version of Mortal Kombat.  On the next day, I went to a blood drive, and the Red Cross bloodmobile's license plate stated "ABACABB."  For the sake of humanity, I am going to try really hard not to play, discuss or think about any game from the Fallout series or Katamari Damacy ever again.  Starting now.

It's Hard Out There For a Pimp (To Finish a Meal in Peace) - c. November 23, 2012 Anno Domini

I recently went out to the Pei Wei Asian Diner in Ballantyne for dinner prior to work while wearing a navy pinstriped suit with a Union Jack necktie and Union Jack cufflinks, a bl;ue shirt, red shoes and a red belt.  Midway through the consumption of my Thai Dynamite Chicken, an employee of the establishment approached.  I expected her to ask how my meal was, request I consume said Thai Dynamite Chicken more quickly due to the impending close of business or engage in some other suchlike professional discourse.  Instead, she asked me, "I was wondering... do you always dress so... what is the word... eclectic?  Not to be a creeper or anything."  I expect inquires regarding my personal style at times (such as when I wear a suit too stylish to be considered in any profession not prohibited by law), but this was not one of them.  I thought my attire was bloody well antithetical to the concept of eclecticism, seeing as how my tie and my cufflinks were both as British as Her Royal Highness, and nothing else I was wearing was out of the ordinary (unless she meant that I was wearing the flag of Great Britain with an American single-vented suit rather than a more English side-vented suit), but instead of pointing this out to her I merely said, "Actually, this is rather conservative for me because I am on my way to work.  Otherwise, I'd be wearing a red zoot suit."  She said something else, but I hardly recall what it was and it could not have been relevant.  The point is, this is why I don't eat out much.   I don't know how any celebrity above the W-list ever finishes a meal in a restaurant with all the interruptions.

First She Said I Had a Nice Happy Haircut But Then She Revealed That Actually the Main Character Died a Horribly Painful Death - c. December 3, 2012 Anno Domini


I terribly dislike getting my hair cut because I dislike people touching my head.  All hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process.  I also hate inane small talk, and many hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process.  I really hate people I don't know and never will know providing information of a highly personal nature to me whilst I am unable to tell them to shut up because they are wielding razor-sharp objects in the  vicinity of my head and could easily put an eye out if they got it into their head that I was being rude.  Consequently, I get my hair cut much shorter than anyone thinks looks decent on me and letting it grow much longer than anyone thinks looks decent on me to maximise the intervals between haircuts and minimise my exposure to head-touching and inane chatter.  This also assists me in preventing women from attempting to undermine my bachelorhood (not that I need any help in that area, but every bit counts.)

Last time I got my hair cut, the hair cutter told me someone had, "Done the worst possible thing someone could do to another person," to her.  I offered some marginally sincere condolences and assumed someone forced her to watch Atonement (an abomination of an Academy Award-winning World War II period piece starring the actress I didn't like from Bend It Like Beckham and running somewhere between three (3) and seven (7) hours to the best of my recollection) in its entirety with nary a break because that would be a terrible thing to do another person, and I didn't think it was necessary to request additional details.  She proceeded to tell me she didn't get out of bed for three days afterwards and had just returned to the world on the other side of the covers that morning.  I assumed she spend those three days building a fort out of her bed and watching The Complete Unabridged Works of Samuel L. Jackson in bed because it is unseemly for a gentleman to ever ask a lady about what she does in bed.  In her defense, she did manage to pull herself together and provide what I thought was a suitable hair cut at a reasonable price only three days after being forced to suffer through Atonement, but even so, I don't think that was sufficient to atone for the sin of sharing excessive information not germane to the process of her cutting my hair.

Alas, it is getting close to that time again... if anyone knows any talented and taciturn hair cutters let me know.  If not, I'll settle for a taciturn hack.

VOLUME XX - The Most Interesting Volume of The Archives in the World and Other Tales

VOLUME XX - The Most Interesting Volume of The Archives in the World and Other Tales

c. July 15, 2011 Anno Domini

Sometimes I wish I could draw proficiently.  Mostly because it would amuse me to have a picture of Optimus Prime sitting behind a dungeon master screen and telling Bumblebee, Rachet and Grimlock, "Autobots, roll for initiative! 

c. July 30, 2011, Anno Domini

I was recently stuck at a stop light next to a damsel driving a Scion tC.  I thought about rolling down my window and asking her, "Nice Scion, but wouldn't you rather bear my scion?" Merely for comical effect, of course.  I didn't actually say it because rather than find it amusing, she would have most likely gone into an apoplectic road rage and run my tiny Hyundai off of Polk Street 

c. August 21, 2011 Anno Domini

Last week, I wore my trademark red hat and my David Tyree jersey to the preseason game between the New York Football Giants and the Carolina Panthers.  For some reason, I parked in a garage on East Trade Street eight blocks away from the stadium.  After the game, a random drunk guy followed me half the way back to the car telling me my hat looked like a hat a rabbi would wear and yelling, "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!"  He asked me to be his rabbi, and I told him I couldn't because I wasn't a rabbi.  He asked if I had ever certified any food as kosher so they could put a K on the label, and I told him I wasn't qualified to do that because I wasn't a rabbi and was not, in fact, Jewish at all.  He said he wasn't Jewish either, because his mother wasn't.  I didn't ask if his father was, seeing as how it was none of my business.  Due to his frequently yelling, "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!," several people were looking at him as if he were a bit odd and giving him a wide berth.  I was very happy to see him stop following me to turn into a parking garage after four blocks.  I was also happy I had parked four blocks away from him, because I wasn't looking forward to him following me all the way back to Pineville and yelling , "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!," the whole time.  I never did tell him that in addition to not being a rabbi I wasn't David Tyree either.  I wonder if he figured that out on his own. 

c. August 26, 2011 Anno Domini

The process I typically use to make a student loan payment is as follows:

1. Spent eight minutes attempting and failing to log into salliemae.com because I forgot my username and/or password

2. Click the password reset button

3. Immediately remember the answers to both randomly selected security questions without even a modicum of difficulty

4. Wait two minutes for an e-mail from Sallie Mae indicating my password has been reset

5. Abandon all hope of ever receiving the aforementioned e-mail

6. Wait a few days

7. Check my e-mail, see a message from Sallie Mae indicating my password has been reset and remember I never did get around to making this month's payment

8. Smack head

9. Make payment

By a miraculous stroke of luck, I managed to remember that my password was REDACTED and log in successfully on the first attempt for the first time in 14 months today.  Of course, now that I have a hot streak going, I never have to log in again.  I might do it next month anyway just to prove to myself that I can.

c. September 1, 2011 Anno Domini

One would think that with Borders going out of business and trying to get rid of their wares the staff would be tempted to slack off as far as shelving books in the proper sections is concerned, but no.  I found a book entitled "New Tax Law Simplified" right where it belongs today.  In the fantasy section. 

c. September 1, 2011 Anno Domini

Snakes Breaking the Plane!  That's right.  Samuel L. Jackson is so awesome I named my fantasy football team after one of his movies despite the fact that he has one fewer touchdown pass as an NFL quarterback than John Beck.  In defense of Mr. Jackson's quarterbacking skills, it may be a few months before Mr. Beck pulls two ahead of him. 

c. September 8, 2011 Anno Domini

Many years ago, when disputes between men were settled by crossing blades,  certain knaves, blackguards and rabble made a point of visiting their foes' weaponsmiths to demand intelligence such as types of blades their enemies used, the blades' lengths and weights and the alloys used in the production of the blades.  Forearmed with such knowledge, those blighters were able to initiate duels with their more honorable nemeses having seized a significant tactical advantage.  To address this issue, a wise and just ruler issued a decree prohibiting weaponsmiths from disclosing information pertaining to their customers and the swords they purchased.  This decree was known as the Anelace, Gauche and Rapier Information Portability and Accountabilty Act, or colloquially, AGRIPAA.

c. September 18, 2011 Anno Domini

I won a gnome in my disc golf league last week.  Generally, the winner of the gnome keeps it for a week, brings it back to the league and makes a speech about the gnome's adventures before bestowing it unto the next winner.  Things were a bit disorganized this week and the league members dispersed before a proper gnome-bestowing ceremony could occur, so I ended up not making the following speech:

It has been an honor to have the gnome as a guest for the past week, but I feel like our time together has been entirely too short.  There were so many things I wanted to do with him but wasn’t able to get to.  We never traveled together to the beautiful city of Nome, Alaska.  We never played musical instruments together and kept time with a metronome.  There was no time to take a math class and learn about the binomial theorem or to study scientific nomenclature.  Much to my dismay, we never read to each other from the Necronomicon or the works of Noam Chomsky.  Perhaps worst of all, we never watched old baseball highlights from the careers of Hideo Nomo and Nomar Garciaparra.  My advice to whoever wins the gnome this week is to cherish your time with him.  The gnome will be gone before you know it.  It isn’t his fault.  He was just born to be a nomad.

c. September 18, 2011 Anno Domini

Mario: Not you again, Toa--- What?  You're not Toad!  It's a pleasure to meet you m'lady, err, your highness, err, princess?
Princess:  Princess is fine.  Teehee.  Thank you so much for rescuing me from that repugnant, reptilian ruler!
Mario: You mean that distasteful, diabolical despot?
Princess: That malevolent, monstrous monarch!
Mario: That terrible terrapin tyrant?
Princess:  That pestilent Pleurodira potentate!
Mario:  Hmm... we are both talking about Bowser, right?
Princess: Bowser?  Who is that?  I was referring to King Koopa
Mario: King Koopa?
Princess: King Koopa.  Big, ugly turtle.  Breathes fire.  You just drowned him in that pool of lava.
Mario: That was Bowser.
Princess: I think I would know who kidnapped me.
Mario: Are you sure Bowser didn't drop you on your head while he was kidnapping you?  You seem to have gone a little daft, Princess Peach.
Princess: Peach? Peach?  My name is Princess Toadstool!
Mario: So let me get this straight.  You're Princess Toadstool.  King Koopa kidnapped you, Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach?  I hope I don't have to rescue her manservant from seven different castles before I find her too.
Princess: It doesn't matter, Mario.  You rescued me.  You're my hero.  You're so dashing!
Mario: Me?  Dashing?  I'm not even moving, let alone walking while holding the B button!
Princess: *groans* *smacks forehead*
Princess: I think I liked it better before you rescued me.
Princess: *dives into lava* *searches for King Koopa* *or Bowser* *or that frog boss from SMB2* *anyone except Mario, really*

c. September 28, 2011 Anno Domini

An n-entendre, where n is a non-negative integer:

Q: Why did Lando cross the empire?
A: To get to the other side

c. October 4, 2011 Anno Domini

An explanation of September 28's n-entendre:

‎"Crossing the empire" could refer to moving from one side of the territory belonging to the Galactic Empire to the other, or it could mean angering of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, et. al., to confuse the same parties or to betray (as in double-cross) them. "The other side" could mean the region on the opposite side of the empire's territory from Bespin, the opposite side of the rebellion (i.e. the Rebel Alliance) or the opposite side of the Force. If you're feeling particularly cheeky, "the other side" could even mean Lando's chef prepared two sides of bantha (because they don't have beef in the Star Wars universe) for the dinner at which Han Solo was frozen in carbonite and Lando ate one, but Darth Vader had the other frozen in carbonite and sent to Jabba along with Han. The first side of bantha was so delicious that Lando felt compelled to cross the empire to get to the other one, thaw it out and feast upon it.

If "Cross the empire" has four possible meanings and "the other side" has four, then there are sixteen (16) possible interpretations of the question and answer above. I dare say all sixteen (16) are semantically meaningful (although perhaps George Lucas would only consider twelve (12) to be canonical). That makes it a hexadeci-entendre, Q.E.D. I am the king of entendres.

c. October 13, 2011 Anno Domini

At the social security office, I saw a woman in her late forties or early fifties wearing a Mr. Peabody shirt.  I couldn't resist complimenting her taste by telling her, "Mr. Peabody?  Awesome!"  She replied, "You know who he is?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!," as if I were some ignorant child.  She was rather polite aside from failing to respect my venerable age and gave me a coupon worth up to 20 percent off a single item at a nearby clothing shop owned by her brother-in-law.  I checked out the store's web site and determined said coupon could be worth up to at least $200 USD.  Sadly, they don't sell Mr. Peabody shirts. 

c. October 16, 2011 Anno Domini

If I were running for elective office, I would have an autodialer call potential voters several times betwixt the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. over the course of a month with recorded messages urging people to vote for my opponent.  Then, I would run on a "not disrupting my constituents' REM cycles" platform and be guaranteed to win. 

c. October 26, 2011 Anno Domini

You have to respect a band that performs a full set of their own orignal music, thanks the audience, runs off the stage and returns a few minutes later to perform eight Ramones covers as an encore.

Between the opening act and Shonen Knife's performance, a random fellow said his friend wanted to know my name, so I told him it was Jonathan.  I should have told him it was Mr. Roberts, but I was in too good of a mood to be as difficult as I normally am.  After the show, his friend told me the reason she wanted to know my name is that she and her boss had a bet on what the name of the guy wearing the red hat was.  If my name had been Barry, her boss would have won.  If my name had been Ira, she would have won.  I asked why they thought my name would be either Barry or Ira.  She said it was because I looked like a man named Ira Glass, who she described as "the biggest bad-ss in the world."  I asked, "Even moreso than Samuel L. Jackson?"  She stopped to think for a moment, replied affirmatively and told me I would know who he was when I got old and started listening to NPR.  I told her I was already old, but she doubted me.  I suggested she and her boss break the tie on their name bet by guessing my age.  She guessed 25, her boss guessed 26 and her husband joined in and guessed 32.  I laughed at her and her boss, told them I was 30 and reveled in her admission that I was older than she.  I said since they were still tied, they could take turns trying to guess my social security number.  The boss said the joke was on me because he had already stolen my wallet and looked at my social security card.  I was tempted to tell him the joke was on him because I keep a fake social security card, with the number 555-55-5555 on it, in my wallet to fool would-be pickpocketing identity thieves and those who cheat on bets, but I didn't.  He never did explain why he thought my name would be Barry.  I was wearing my pimp suit, not a San Francisco Giants jersey, and I certainly don't look very roided up.

During the above conversation, a random woman literally fell over herself to tell me how wonderful my hat was.  She tripped over a sign whilst approaching me, tore a hole in her pants and skinned her knee.  After recovering, she successfully walked the remaining distance and initiated a conversation about how wonderful my hat was.  I told her the story about the girl at the movie theater who said I was "sooooooooo hot" and that she loved my hat.  When I got to the part about how I told the girl it was all the hat, not me, and the girl agreed after I took my hat off, the woman said, "No, it's not all the hat.  It's also the suit and the tie."  She added the parenthetical phrase, "(because it certainly isn't anything inherent about you, Mr. Roberts)" but didn't speak it aloud.  I apologized for causing her to ruin her pants and skin her knee by wearing such a pimpalicious hat, but she said she tripped because she was drunk and accepted full responsiblity for the consequences of her intoxication.  I think she was right, because if she had been sober she would have known that I am already aware of how wonderful my hat is and did not need her to inform me.  I remained fully sober and managed not to injure myself attempting to inform Ritsuko (Shonen Knife's bassist) of how dreamy she is because I'm sure she already knows exactly how dreamy she is without any input on the subject from me.  Huzzah for abstention from intoxicating liquors.

I also met a mother who was wearing an Err hat and brought her daughter to see Shonen Knife.  She said she saw them several years ago.  She also mentioned that she didn't know who the Mooninites were and wanted to wear her Meatwad hat, but her children wanted her to wear the Err hat.  I filled her in on the Mooninites as a girl I met at the concert looked up a picture of them on her phone and told the mother that her children's friends would definitely consider her to be the cool mom for wearing an Err hat.  She politely informed me that she was the cool mom for taking her daughter to see Shonen Knife, and I admitted that trumped Err.

Atsuko, Shonen Knife's original drummer, was running their merchandise table.  I was happy to see her there, but she may think I am a thief.  I purchased a few items before the performance started and accidentally scooped two tote bags a price tag off the display on the table along with my merchandise and walked away.  I didn't realize what I had done until I started trying to put everything into my pockets and realized there was no way everything was going to fit due to the excess items.  I promptly returned everything, and Atsuko-san was very polite about it, but I'm sure I still looked like a thief.  After the show, I purchased a few posters and joked with her that I wasn't going to steal anything else.  She said she liked my hat (but managed to remain upright!  Let that be a lesson to tipsy women everywhere), so I stuck it on her head.  It went well with her glasses and looked better on her than on me,  but she returned it and graciously signed my poster.  I'm not sure about how many people recognized her, but she was awesome.

They performed in Brooklyn on Sunday night, and I had been in the NYC area for a wedding until Sunday morning.  If I had been thinking things through, I would have stayed there an extra day and taken Wednesday night off from work so I could have seen Shonen Knife in Brooklyn, flew back to Charlotte on Monday, driven to Durham to see them last night and raced to Atlanta to see them tonight.  It would have been worth it.

c. October 27, 2011 Anno Domini

Things I ponder whilst waiting in line at Gamestop:

How many times per day does that girl at the register get asked, "Do you sell belts that you can clip a Wii remote into like Captain N did with his NES controller?"

Instead of asking her, I examined the Wii accessories section myself and determined that Gamestop does not sell any such thing.  Someone needs to get on that.

c. December 10, 2011 Anno Domini

As I was walking to the train station in Flushing, New York today, I passed an outdoor vegetable stand.  A woman purchased a tomato and accidentally dropped it.  The tomato rolled into the street.  I used my uncannily fast reflexes to dash into the street and pick it up  before a careless, inattentive driver was able to run over it.  I returned it to the lady without either myself or the tomato incurring so much as a scratch, and she thanked me kindly.  I assume she was planning to wash the tomato prior to consumption, even if it hadn't rolled in the street.

c. January 7, 2012 Anno Domini

Customers who bought items in my recent history also bought...

The Joker TM Gloves Adult Costume Accessory

Men's Dress Vest & NeckTie Emerald Green Striped Vertical Stripes Design Set for Suit or Tuxedo

The Joker Hair Spray

The Joker Make Up Kit TM Costume Accessory

It seems to me that someone from Amazon, from whom the preceding list was obtained, is a joker, because my recent history does not include anything Batman-themed or a buzzer ring.

c. January 19, 2012 Anno Domini

I have a legendary collection of neckties.  I am too lazy to count them, but I estimate they number between thirty-five (35*) and forty-five (45).  Unfortunately, I do not have an equally legendary method of necktie storage.  They are, in fact, stored quite mundanely.  Ideally, I would rectify this by procuring a tie rack in the form of a hydra statue with one head (and, naturally, one neck) for each necktie I own.  Upon each hydra neck, one of my ties would be worn.  I realize no precedent for such a polycephallically prolific hydra exists in history, mythology or the complete unabridged works ofGygax, et. al., but that presents no obstacle.  The major obstacles are my lack of talent as a sculptor, my lack of talent sculptor acquaintainces and the likely to be legendary cost of commissioning such a grand work.  If I can become fabulously wealthy between now and November, I may communicate my desire to a few artisans at the Rennaissance Festival and try to reach an agreement with one.

* The original version of this entry, as posted at http://www.facebook.com contained a typographical error.  Thank you much much to the esteemed Mr. Jacob Collins for alerting us to our failure to meet our usual high orthographic and typographical standards.  In addition to correcting the error here, we have severely chastised ourselves.  Future occurrences will result in self-imposed revocations of blogging privileges.

c. January 27, 2012 Anno Domini

I took the light rail uptown to see Madama Butterfly today.  Unfortunately, the train was experiencing some sort of technical difficulties between the I-485/South Blvd station, so I ended up having to take a bus from there to the Arrowood station.  Despite the delay involved in waiting for an extra bus to be dispatched to I-485/South Blvd and and the havoc the train's technical diffiuculties wreaked on the schedule, I arrived at my destination in a timely manner.

My trip back passed without incident until the Sharon Rd West station, at which point the following conversation occurred:

Random Inebriated Woman: Sorry, but my friends are making me take a poll.  When you check out girls' -sses, do you notice their panty lines?

Me: I'm too clumsy to walk and chew gum at the same time.  Do you really think I could manage to walk and check out a woman at the same time?

Random Inebriated Woman: Well, if you did.

Me:  I wouldn't be looking for it.  Most women's panties are really none of my business.

Random Inebriated Woman: Wow.  You're a really nice guy *extends hand, as if to shake*

c. January 31, 2012 Anno Domini

B-gg-r this.  I'm switching to Google Plus.  Facebook apparently prohibits the use of commas in users' names, thereby preventing me from entering, "Jonathan Roberts, OBE" as my username.  Entering "Jonathan Roberts OBE" is permitted, but results in "Jonathan Roberts Obe" being displayed.  Entering "Jonathan Roberts O.B.E." results in an error message stating the name entered contains too many periods.  Mr. Zuckerberg would probably correct this issue in three shakes of a lamb's tail if Lizzy knighted him,  but in that event I would seek to distance myself from the Order rather than representing myself as a member on the internet.