I recently ordered Twenty Years After, The Vicomte de Bragelonne, Louise de la Valliere, and The Man in the Iron Mask from Amazon.com. All four books were written by Alexandre Dumas as sequels toThe Three Musketeers. Yesterday, Amazon sent me an e-mail to recommend that I purchase The Three Musketeers. Do the fools running that organization really think I wouldbe foolish enough to order four sequels to a book I had not already read? Of course, they can review their records and determine that have never purchased The Three Musketeers from them, but they are hardly the only source of books in the world. In fact, they could have easily used my shipping address (to which they shipped the four aforementioned sequels) and the store locator at http://www.barnesandnoble.com to determine there is a Barnes & Noble store 1.51 miles from my residence and used logic to deduce that I had purchased The Three Musketeers from that store. Instead, they insult me. For that, I am of a mind to invite them to meet me behind the Carmes-Deschaux monastary.
The Media Can't Get Enough of My Swagger - c. February 7, 2012 Anno Domini
I attended a women's basketball game between Duke and the University of North Carolina. After the game, a couple of ladies with a large television camera asked to interview me. I consented to the interview, and the first question they asked was, "What can you tell us about your suit?" They said they were from ESPNU and asked a few questions and basketball and the Duke/UNC rivalry too, but I think they were primarily interested in the suit. I would not go as far as to say they stole a camera from ESPN and claimed to need to interview me as a pretext for inquiring about my suit, but I can't discount the possibility.
They Could Have Added Copious Quantitites of Coprological Material to the Recipe in July 2008* - c. February 15, 2012 Anno Domini
I purchased and consumed a 10-piece order of Chicken McNuggets today. A disclaimer on the bottom of the box stated, "Information accurate as of 06/08," in reference to the nutrition information. Seriously?** This is 2012 Anno Domini.
* Curse Facebook for imposing a character limit on Note titles, thereby preventing me from writing the date as July 2008 Anno Domini. Mr. Zuckerberg hates me and does little things like that to vex me all the time.
** If I did not have deeply-rooted philosophical objections*** to the orthographical abomination known as the "interrobang" I would have used one there. Fortunately for my readers, I do have the aforementioned deeply-rooted philosophical objections because if I didn't, I wouldn't care that they did. If any of my readers don't share my deeply-rooted philosophical objections, STOP READING MY BLOG YOU FOUL INTERROBANG-SYMPATHISER!
*** Inquire if you really want to know.
I Wish I Were Sufficiently Wealthy to Purchase an Aircraft - c. March 6, 2012 Anno Domini
I would paint a graph paper pattern, complete with X and Y axes, onto it and refer to it as my Cartesian Plane.
Jets Acquire Tim Tebow - c. March 21, 2012 Anno Domini
March 21, 2012 - The New York Jets acquired Tim Tebow and a seventh-round draft pick from the Denver Broncos in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a sixth round selection. When asked what led his time to make the trade, Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, "We're putting a bounty on this Tebow kid, $1,000 to the first player who can provoke him to drop an F-bomb in practice. Five hundred to anyone who can get him to say REDACTED or REDACTED, and two fifty for REDACTED. Practice will be a little more interesting this year. A little friendly competition at the expense of Timmy should give Sanchez and Santonio something to bond over and get over that REDACTED from last season." In response to a question about whether the Jets planned to use Tebow at quarterback as an occasional change of pace to Sanchez, Ryan said, "Oh, REDACTED! You think I would REDACTED put that REDACTED on the REDACTED field? You've got to be REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED with me."
I Was the Victim of a Hit and Run - c. April 12, 2012 Anno Domini
On Monday afternoon, I drove my miniature Hyundai past a boys' lacrosse team practicing outside a school on Fairview Road. One player's errant shot cleared a fence surrounding the field, crossed one lane of traffic and struck my driver's side door. The insolent ball bounced away to devil knows where without even stopping to trade insurance information. Fortunately, it did not cause any damage. For the sake of my vehicle's condition and of my health, I'm glad it wasn't anything larger such as a soccer ball or a hay bale.
The Unforeseen Consequences of Ray Rice Fumbling Twice in One Game - c. April 30, 2012 Anno Domini
Fortunately, I am already employed, else I'd have to seriously consider changing my fantasy baseball team's name to something more professional than The MVPED Users.
I Don't Think She Activated the Silent Alarm - May 1, 2012 Anno Domini
Bank Teller: You're dressed fancy today...
J. D. Roberts: Well, I just got out of work
Bank Teller: Where do you work?
The Inner Monologue of J. D. Roberts: What is it to you, as long as I properly endorsed the check which I am depositing and completed the corresponding deposit slip correctly using only blue or black ink?
J. D. Roberts: I work in a call center in the [REDACTED] Corporate Park
Bank Teller: And they make you dress like that?
J. D. Roberts: No, but they allow me to. It's great.
Only a few minutes prior, I went to Target and an employee told me, "I hope you're not offended, but you look like a mobster."
How Not to Be Clobbered With an Umbrella - c. May 24, 2012 Anno Domini
Dramatis Personae
Ladies' Man..... A rakish fellow who bears no resemblance to any person living or dead, unless such resemblence be entirely coincidental
Lady............. A female, typicall of her gender
Parasol.......... Not intended to protect the user from rain, sleet, snow, acid rain, humidity, hailstones, a hail of bullets, falling rocks, meteor showers, actual showers, buckets of water poured by washerwomen out of windows onto unsuspecting passers-by, ions in solution combining to form insoluble compounds or any other form of precipitation. Any dampness, saturation, drowning, lacerations, contusions, chronic traumatic encephalopathy or drowning caused by misuse of this parasol is the sole responsibility of the consumer.
Chorus.......... Essentially a bevy of uncredited extras, but with the gravitas of Greek dramatic tradition
ACT I
Ladies' Man: Hey baby, is this that Other Castle that Toad is always talking about? Because I think I just found my princess.
Lady: (dismissively) No, it's not.
Ladies' Man: Are you sure? You look like a real Peach.
Lady: (uses Parasol to brutally clobber Ladies' Man)
ACT II
Chorus: I bet he's really feeling small after that clobbering. Ba-dum ching!
FIN
Asexual Humor - c. May 26, 2012 Anno Domini
A Paramecium walks into a bar, buys itself a drink and says to itself, "Hey baby, why don't I go back to my place and undergo binary fission?"
People in the Grocery Store With Kids Say the Darndest Things - c. June 9, 2012 Anno Domini
I child who appeared to be two or three years old pointed at me in the grocery store today and said, "Da-da!" A woman who appeared to be his grandmother (but I make no assumptions) said to the offending child, "He's someone's da-da but not your da-da." I restrained an impulse to tell her, "I am no one's da-da and never will be. Also, get that child to an optometrist. I obviously don't even look like his da-da, because if his da-da looked like me his ma-ma would never have allowed his da-da to help her make him." If I hadn't had better things to do than reprimand acid-tongued old women, I probably would have said it to her.
An Open Letter to People Named Jonathan David Roberts Who Are Not Me - c. July 3, 2012 Anno Domini
Dear everyone named Jonathan David Roberts who is not me,
Please do not drive at a speed of seventy-two (72) miles per hour in work zones in which the posted speed limit is fifty-five (55) miles per hour whilst in Rowan County, North Carolina. As per General Statute 20-16.1(a), such a crime will result in the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspending someone's privilege to operate a motor vehicle for a period of thirty (30) days. It is customary for the individual who committed the violation and the individual whose privilege is suspended to be one and the same, but the NCDMV employs at least one addlepated git who sees no need to conform to that particular convention, provided that the perpetrator and the suspendee have the same first, middle and last names. This civil disservant sees no need to confirm other data, e.g. license number, date of birth, address and mother's maiden name. Aside from causing inconvenience to law abiding Jonathan David Robertses such as myself, you could also inflict injury or death upon innocent workers employed by the state to maintain and improve our roadways.
Fortunately, the good people at the Rowan County Courthouse are very competent and willing to assist in the rectification of such stupifying miscarriages of justice (i.e. erroneous suspensions of the driving privileges of people who share first, middle and last names with people who exceed posted speed limits in work zones, not injury or death), although even they are unable to take corrective action until the following Monday morning if the suspendee learns of the suspension after the close of business ona Friday.
If you are indeed the Jonathan David Roberts who committed the aforementioned offense, you will most likely soon learn how bloody inconvenient the suspension of one's driving privileges can be. For your sake, I can only hope you aren't also summoned to jury duty while your privilege is suspended and your mobile telephone doesn't cease to function before such privilege is restored.
Sincerely,
Jonathan David Roberts
Q: What is Iron Man Without His Suit? - c. July 20, 2012 Anno Domini
A: Tony Starkers
The Temptation to Mix One's Dry Cleaning With One's Dry Wit - c. August 11, 2012 Anno Domini
I recently went to my regular dry cleaner to pick up my white suit, my blue suit and my purple suit whilst clad in a light gray suit with purple pinstripes, a light green shirt and a dark purple Jerry Garcia tie. The dry cleaning lady with whom I regularly conduct business was not there, but the woman on duty (who appared to be of an age with my mum) greeted me by saying, "Hello, Mack Daddy." Upon retrieving my suits, she commented that they must look good on me. I replied truthfully that they are wonderful suits and would look good on anyone. She proceeded to say I must look like a pimp whilst wearing them, and I told her my mother didn't very much like any of the three. She asked why, and I was sorely tempted to say, "Because they incite women to bandy about epithets such as Mack Daddy and Pimp in reference to me," but instead demurely told her, "My mother's taste tends to run a bit more conservative than that."
Job Interview Tips From the Master - September 3, 2012 Anno Domini
Next time a job interviewer asks you the stereotypical question about where you see yourself five years from now, tell him/her, "That is a philosophical and theological question which is outside the scope of the hiring process, because I have only three years to live. I intend to spend as much of that three years as possible doing highly challenging, meaningful work which will enable me to experience significant professional growth." The interviewer will not pursue that line of questioning any further and will most likely hire you out of either pity or fear of a lawsuit alleging discrimination against individuals with unspecified terminal illnesses. Just don't blame me if your fourth annual performance evaulation is a little awkward.
Women Should Not Speak of Manly Things Beyond Their Comprehension - c. September 3, 2012 Anno Domini
I purchased three ottomen, which appear to be black, ottoman-sized six-sided dice with white pips, from Wal-Mart. Whilst I was waiting to check out, a female approached and asked me, "So, are those gaming chairs?" I did not want to engage in any more conversation than necessary with a daft female who knew not the difference between an ottoman and a gaming chair so I replied, "Sure... something like that, I suppose," despite the fact that they were clearly ottomen and not gaming chairs, and continued minding my own business. My own business, I must admit, has in no small part consisted of sitting on one of the ottomen and simultaneously playing Red Dead Redemption, but that means nothing. Nothing!
Laundry Night - c. September 27, 2012 Anno Domini
Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)
Put some detergent in the machine
Then start it up to get your clothes clean
T-shirts here, gym shorts there, underwear
Some garments may be labeled "Handle With Care"
This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!
This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!
Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right
Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)
May/December Romances c. September 29, 2012 Anno Domini
I could almost tolerate being involved with a lady if I only had to deal with her for two (non-consecutive!) months each year and it didn't conflict with March Madness, the World Series or the Super Bowl. Alas, the Natsu Basho is in May, and I suffer no distractions during hon-basho.
I Love When People Unwittingly Set Me Up to Quote Classic Song Lyrics - c. October 4, 2012 Anno Domini
My friend Atilla invited me to a cookout at his place last week, but I told him I had to take my pet snake to the veterinarian that day. He said I was welcome to come with my snake after the appointment, so I took him up on the offer. On the day of the event, my snake and I got stuck waiting in the veterinarian's lobby for one hour and forty-five minutes and consequently arrived late to the cookout. Attila said they still had plenty of burgers on the grill but were regrettably out of buns. I helped myself to a burger anyway, and Atilla said there was enough for me to even feed one to my snake if she were interested. I said to Attila, "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun." He was not amused.
1 |-|4d 4 f145|=|b4(|< 70 2001 - c. October 5, 2012 Anno Domini
I saw Charlotte-Mecklenburg school bus number 1337 on the road whilst driving today. I am kind of hoping it was taking the best and brightest of our elementary school students home from a super-secret 1337 h4XX0r training program where they are learning all sorts of pwnage, but the truth is probably far more /\/\|_||\||)4|\|3 than that.
People Who Cannot Drive Need to Be Sufficiently Familiar With Greek Mythology to Know When They Are Being Insulted - c. October 6, 2012 Anno Domini
Things I actually said to other drivers whilst northbound on Interstate 85 today...
You should get vanity plates that say "ARACHNE" if you're going to continue weaving in and out of traffic like that.
Who do you think you are to cut me off like that? Atropos?
How Kids Talk Trash These Days, Apparently, c. November 4, 2012 Anno Domini
Overheard in section 16 of Wallace Wade Stadium last night...
Clemson Fan Child: You're a donkey.
Duke Fan Child: Your mom's a donkey.
Clemson Fan Child: Your wife's a mule.
Duke Fan Child: Your pops is a... insect.
Clemson Fan Child: Your great-great-great-great-grandma was EARWAX!!!!!
Confirmation Bias - c. November 17, 2012 Anno Domini
During an idle period at work last night, a co-worker and I discussed Skyrim. Shortly thereafter, I left to get something to eat. At the intersection of Ballantyne Commons Parkway and Johnston Road, I stopped for a red light and a car with a license plate stating "FUS-RO-DAH" stopped next to me. It reminded me of the time I was using E. Honda in Street Fighter II Turbo (during my high school years) and saw a HONDA Civic on the road afterwards. On another occasion, I discussed the Sega Genesis version of Mortal Kombat. On the next day, I went to a blood drive, and the Red Cross bloodmobile's license plate stated "ABACABB." For the sake of humanity, I am going to try really hard not to play, discuss or think about any game from the Fallout series or Katamari Damacy ever again. Starting now.
It's Hard Out There For a Pimp (To Finish a Meal in Peace) - c. November 23, 2012 Anno Domini
I recently went out to the Pei Wei Asian Diner in Ballantyne for dinner prior to work while wearing a navy pinstriped suit with a Union Jack necktie and Union Jack cufflinks, a bl;ue shirt, red shoes and a red belt. Midway through the consumption of my Thai Dynamite Chicken, an employee of the establishment approached. I expected her to ask how my meal was, request I consume said Thai Dynamite Chicken more quickly due to the impending close of business or engage in some other suchlike professional discourse. Instead, she asked me, "I was wondering... do you always dress so... what is the word... eclectic? Not to be a creeper or anything." I expect inquires regarding my personal style at times (such as when I wear a suit too stylish to be considered in any profession not prohibited by law), but this was not one of them. I thought my attire was bloody well antithetical to the concept of eclecticism, seeing as how my tie and my cufflinks were both as British as Her Royal Highness, and nothing else I was wearing was out of the ordinary (unless she meant that I was wearing the flag of Great Britain with an American single-vented suit rather than a more English side-vented suit), but instead of pointing this out to her I merely said, "Actually, this is rather conservative for me because I am on my way to work. Otherwise, I'd be wearing a red zoot suit." She said something else, but I hardly recall what it was and it could not have been relevant. The point is, this is why I don't eat out much. I don't know how any celebrity above the W-list ever finishes a meal in a restaurant with all the interruptions.
First She Said I Had a Nice Happy Haircut But Then She Revealed That Actually the Main Character Died a Horribly Painful Death - c. December 3, 2012 Anno Domini
I terribly dislike getting my hair cut because I dislike people touching my head. All hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process. I also hate inane small talk, and many hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process. I really hate people I don't know and never will know providing information of a highly personal nature to me whilst I am unable to tell them to shut up because they are wielding razor-sharp objects in the vicinity of my head and could easily put an eye out if they got it into their head that I was being rude. Consequently, I get my hair cut much shorter than anyone thinks looks decent on me and letting it grow much longer than anyone thinks looks decent on me to maximise the intervals between haircuts and minimise my exposure to head-touching and inane chatter. This also assists me in preventing women from attempting to undermine my bachelorhood (not that I need any help in that area, but every bit counts.)
Last time I got my hair cut, the hair cutter told me someone had, "Done the worst possible thing someone could do to another person," to her. I offered some marginally sincere condolences and assumed someone forced her to watch Atonement (an abomination of an Academy Award-winning World War II period piece starring the actress I didn't like from Bend It Like Beckham and running somewhere between three (3) and seven (7) hours to the best of my recollection) in its entirety with nary a break because that would be a terrible thing to do another person, and I didn't think it was necessary to request additional details. She proceeded to tell me she didn't get out of bed for three days afterwards and had just returned to the world on the other side of the covers that morning. I assumed she spend those three days building a fort out of her bed and watching The Complete Unabridged Works of Samuel L. Jackson in bed because it is unseemly for a gentleman to ever ask a lady about what she does in bed. In her defense, she did manage to pull herself together and provide what I thought was a suitable hair cut at a reasonable price only three days after being forced to suffer through Atonement, but even so, I don't think that was sufficient to atone for the sin of sharing excessive information not germane to the process of her cutting my hair.
Alas, it is getting close to that time again... if anyone knows any talented and taciturn hair cutters let me know. If not, I'll settle for a taciturn hack.
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