Mere, Puling Status Update ( MPSU) c. March 6, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan is acknowledging the existence of facebook due to pressure from co-workers.
MPSU c. April 3, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan wanted the Goblin King to come and take all the customers at Salad Creations away like in Labyrinth so he could get a salad before work. He said the words but it didn't happen
c. April 23, 2009 Anno Domini
A few years ago when I still worked at the movie theater, Regal Entertainment Group sent me to a corporate training and/or brainwashing program known as Regal Entertainment University (REU) in Knoxville, TN. The program lasted five days, and the company provided accommodations at a hotel known as Country Inn & Suites. The program officially ended at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, but the company graciously permitted participants to stay at the hotel on Friday night on the company dime rather than kicking us out and making us all drive home immediately. The other participants told me they were all staying in the hotel and drinking that night and invited me to their soiree. I, however, drove myself back to Charlotte without pausing long enough to determine whether they would be drinking alcohol or Kool-Aid.
During the fall of 2008, Melanie, Bella and I took a vacation to Boone, NC, in part so Melanie could get away from the infernal fetidness that is Regal Entertainment Group and not think about that place for a few days. We stayed at the Boone Country Inn & Suites. Much to our dismay, we were given a room with a scenic view of the Boone Regal Cinemas 7. Needless to say, the second night of our visit was spent in a room on the opposite side of the hotel with a view of the parking lot.
In April 2009, Melanie, Bella and I went to Wilmington, NC to give Melanie's sister a ride back to school and turned it into a short vacation. After dropping Vicki off, we checked into the Wilmington Country Inn & Suites, dropped off our luggage and made a quick visit to the pool. Upon our return to the room, Melanie set a towel down on a chair and a small piece of paper fluttered onto the floor. Upon further inspection the piece of paper revealed itself to be a ticket stub from a movie at the local Regal Cinemas.
I think Melanie and I shall never return to a Country Inn & Suites as long as we both shall live.
c. May 15, 2009 Anno Domini
The people who live across the street from me never talk to any of the neighbors. My parents have lived in their hours for about ten years and these people have been there for nine. They ignore everyone else. I think there is a mother, father, son and daughter there but for all I know the mother could be a young-looking grandma, the son could actually be the daughter's boyfriend, the father could be some homeless guy they took in or whatever. I can't even say for certain that they don't have a massive subterranean compound beneath their house with an entrance/exit five miles away and only use the front entrance enough to avoid arousing too much suspicion.
A few weeks ago Melanie worked late and came over to meet me to go hang out at about 3 a.m. As we were leaving, a car started following us, flashing its lights and laying on the horn all the way down my street. Mel and I were a bit concerned about the intentions of the vehicle's occupants and didn't care to stop, so I ignored the shenanigans until I came to the stop sign at the exit of my neighborhood. When I stopped at the sign, the other vehicle rolled up to me (in the wrong lane). The reclusive family's son (or daughter's boyfriend, pool boy, live-in nanny or whatever) rolled down the window and asked "Do you have any bud?" I told him I did not. He asked, "Are you sure?," and I told I most certainly was. He drove off, most likely never to be heard from again.
c. May 20, 2009 Anno Domini
I went out to pick up breakfast for Melanie, John and myself after a hard night of carousing, wearing my New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Champions hat. An obnoxious New England Patriots fan took offense and proceeded to make an ass of himself.
Patriots Fan: They won't win it again this year. We got Brady back.
Me: Last time New England played the Giants with Brady on the field it didn't work out to well for them.
Patriots Fan: Eli Manning didn't win that game. It was that kid with the weird name...
At this point, Patriot's fan said something unintelligible. It sounded like he was trying to say Kiwanuka (who missed the Super Bowl due to an injury) but I think he was actually referring to Osi Umenyiora. Either way, Eli did win the game. Not singlehandedly, but football is a team sport. If the fact that Eli's teammates contributed more where Brady's teammates (particularly his offensive line) let him down helps Patriots Fan sleep at night so be it. If so, he's more of a Brady fan than an actual Patriots fan but I didn't see a need to point that out to him. Perhaps I should have pointed out that Randy Moss didn't help out his quarterback by making the catch of the century on a poorly thrown ball on third and long, just to hear him tell me Moss never had the opportunity because Tom Brady doesn't make poor throws. Ha.
c. May 24, 2009 Anno Domini
I went through the drive-through at the establishment bearing her name on my break tonight and ordered, amongst other things, a double cheeseburger. Instead of the double cheeseburger, they provided me with a single chicken sandwich. No first hamburger patty. No second hamburger patty. No cheese. Even a single cheeseburger, or a double chicken sandwich with cheese would have been closer to what I actually ordered. If I hadn't had more important things to do at the time I would have gone back to the restaurant all Samuel L. Jackson style and asked the staff, "WHERE'S THE BEEF, M-TH-RF-CK-R?" That place has really gone downhill since Dave Thomas shuffled off this mortal coil.
MPSU c. June 19, 2009
Jonathan forgot what day it was, dressed for work as if it were Casual Friday, and almost left the house without rectifying his error
c. July 30, 2009 Anno Domini
Specifically in the form of the following:
If Car A leaves Topeka at 2:30 p.m., traveling east with a speed of 55 mph and Car B leaves Baltimore at 4 p.m., traveling west with a speed of 70 mph:
a) where will Car A and Car B meet?
b) if Car A and Car B meet at a four-way stop, for Pete's sake whose turn is it to go first? Come on, people. Its not that freaking hard.
c) If Henry Ford had been aware of how many people would struggle to answer b), would he have still created the modern assembly line and made the automobile accessible to the common people? I think not. And if he did, I'd be tempted to go back in time and bust a cap in his rabblerousing posterior after my commute this morning.
c. August 20, 2009 Anno Domini
On my first night in Myrtle Beach I ate at a seafood restaurant named The Sea Captain's House Restaurant, and seeing as how I don't eat seafood I ordered a chef salad because it was one of the few non-seafood items available. It turned out to be by far the best salad I have ever eaten in my life. If it was on an RPG and your character ate it your hit points would immediately be restored to full and you would gain enough experience points to go up eight levels at once. The ham was so delicious and fresh they could have had a live hog in the kitchen and sliced off flesh from it as needed for all I know. My waiter said he has worked at that establishment for five years and has never seen anyone other than me finish the entire salad, and I don't doubt him. It was so massive I was surprised it didn't have smaller satellite side salads caught in its gravitational field in elliptical orbits. I cannot possibly say enough about this salad.
A few nights after consuming the salad (because it probably wasn't safe to swim for at least 24 hours after consuming it), I intentionally "accidentally" fell into the pool with my clothes on for Bella's amusement. I lost my glasses in the process but didn't realize it until after I had already dried off and changed into dry clothing, necessitating a return trip to dive into the pool and retrieve them. The second time I almost forgot to take my insulin pump off, and probably would have jumped in with it if Melanie hadn't reminded me. All of this occurred around 2:30 a.m., more than four hours after the pool closed, but somehow escaped the notice of the security guard on duty. I told Bella when her second grade class talks about what they did over the summer she better say she saw me fall in the pool with my clothes on and that it was the most hilarious thing ever. The same security guard failed to notice "Operation Steal Bella's Shorts Back" the night before, which entailed skulking around the pool area at about the same hour the night before because Bella left the pair of shorts she had been wearing over her bathing suit during another after-hours trip to the pool.
The hotel at which we stayed had some sort of Hall of Heroes, which I never looked into, so I don't know exactly what it entails or how one becomes inducted. I told Bella I should be enshrined there for eating the massive chef salad at Sea Captain's House. She said, "No. All you did was eat a salad. That isn't very hero-ish."
MPSU c. August 27, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan had to run a red light and almost got into accidents on two separate occasions within the last 24 hours due to asinine drivers following too closely and not paying attention. If it happens again he may affix a moderate number of large titanium spikes and rotating diamond saw blades to the back of his car
MPSU c. September 3, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan would be the sort of criminal who held people at gunpoint and told them to spell words like "bourgeoise" as if their life depended on it, and asked them to recite scientific, mathematical and historical facts in a similar vein. Not that Jonathan Roberts would ever be a criminal.
c. September 19, 2009 Anno Domini
I opened a pack of Pez candy which included five smaller packs of the size used to fill up one standard Pez dispenser. The external packaging stated each pack included 9 grams of sugar, but the wrappers on the smaller packs state the net weight of each pack is 8.5 grams. This raises two points, one which irks me and one which vexes me.
The irksome point is that grams are a unit of mass, not weight so the wrapper should state the net mass is 8.5 grams. The vexatious point is that for each pack to contain 9 grams of sugar but have a mass of only 8.5 grams there must also be 0.5 grams of antimatter in each pack... but I have observed no matter-antimatter reactions. It is also worth noting that no matter how the good people at the Pez Corporation managed to get matter and antimatter to coexist the logical form for the antimatter in question to take is antisugar and the medical community has done surprisingly little research into the effects on antisugar on blood glucose levels of those afflicted with diabetes.
c. September 21, 2009 Anno Domini
Flozell Adams should sign an endorsement deal with someone like Dove or Irish Spring. He could make a commercial and say their soap was so good it can make even him a clean player. It would, of course, be a bald-faced lie but that should pose no problem because Mr. Adams is a man of less than impeccable character as anyone who watched the Giants-Cowboys game last night knows.
At this point I wouldn't be more than mildly surprised if Flozell Adams brought a shiv onto the field and stabbed an opposing player in the face. He would literally have to hack an opposing lineman's limb off with a machete to do much more than raise an eyebrow.
I really wish I could find a video of his bush league cheap shot hatchet job on Justin Tuck from last night. I wonder why it hasn't shown up on Youtube yet.
MPSU c. October 19, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan wore a musical tie to work and only failed not to inadvertently activate it on two occasions.
MPSU c. October 24, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan has many talents, but roasting a hot dog over a fire on a metal skewer and eating said hot dog straight from the skewer without burning his tongue on the skewer apparently isn't one of them. Who knew?
c. November 13, 2009 Anno Domini
In his recently published book, "The Book of Basketball," Bill Simmons writes that Spencer Haywood hired a mafia hit man to take out Paul Westhead after Westhead benched him during the 1980 NBA finals, but changed his mind before the deed was done. Mr. Simmons dedicates an entire chapter of the same book to analysis of the 33 most intriguing what-if scenarios in the history of the NBA, but somehow manages to leave out, "What if Spencer Haywood hadn't changed his mind about hiring a professional killer to off his coach?" How negative would the effect the assassination of Paul Westhead on the reputation of the league have been? Regardless of Magic and Bird coming along the next year, would the NBA have survived? How positive would the effect have been on the reputation of Latrell Sprewell? Compared to the contract killing of a coach, one paltry choking during practice is rather pedestrian. Would Scottie Pippen have followed suit and put out a hit on Phil Jackson instead of merely refusing to take the court for 1.8 seconds in the 1994 playoffs? Would the incident become the proverbial giant elephant in the room during future broadcasts or would Charles Barkley joke about it every time a starter got benched during crunch time? Would Kenny Smith laugh with Charles or exchange awkward "Are you sure this guy didn't come here with you? He's not with me, I don't even know him," glances behind Charles's back with Ernie Johnson every time it happened? I'm tempted to e-mail this to Mr. Simmons to see if he has the courage to man up, print it in his next mailbag column and admit how badly he dropped the ball on this one.
c. November 20, 2009 Anno Domini
I. When I was your age the closest thing we had to Facebook was LiveJournal
Jonathan is acknowledging the existence of facebook due to pressure from co-workers.
MPSU c. April 3, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan wanted the Goblin King to come and take all the customers at Salad Creations away like in Labyrinth so he could get a salad before work. He said the words but it didn't happen
c. April 23, 2009 Anno Domini
A few years ago when I still worked at the movie theater, Regal Entertainment Group sent me to a corporate training and/or brainwashing program known as Regal Entertainment University (REU) in Knoxville, TN. The program lasted five days, and the company provided accommodations at a hotel known as Country Inn & Suites. The program officially ended at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, but the company graciously permitted participants to stay at the hotel on Friday night on the company dime rather than kicking us out and making us all drive home immediately. The other participants told me they were all staying in the hotel and drinking that night and invited me to their soiree. I, however, drove myself back to Charlotte without pausing long enough to determine whether they would be drinking alcohol or Kool-Aid.
During the fall of 2008, Melanie, Bella and I took a vacation to Boone, NC, in part so Melanie could get away from the infernal fetidness that is Regal Entertainment Group and not think about that place for a few days. We stayed at the Boone Country Inn & Suites. Much to our dismay, we were given a room with a scenic view of the Boone Regal Cinemas 7. Needless to say, the second night of our visit was spent in a room on the opposite side of the hotel with a view of the parking lot.
In April 2009, Melanie, Bella and I went to Wilmington, NC to give Melanie's sister a ride back to school and turned it into a short vacation. After dropping Vicki off, we checked into the Wilmington Country Inn & Suites, dropped off our luggage and made a quick visit to the pool. Upon our return to the room, Melanie set a towel down on a chair and a small piece of paper fluttered onto the floor. Upon further inspection the piece of paper revealed itself to be a ticket stub from a movie at the local Regal Cinemas.
I think Melanie and I shall never return to a Country Inn & Suites as long as we both shall live.
c. May 15, 2009 Anno Domini
The people who live across the street from me never talk to any of the neighbors. My parents have lived in their hours for about ten years and these people have been there for nine. They ignore everyone else. I think there is a mother, father, son and daughter there but for all I know the mother could be a young-looking grandma, the son could actually be the daughter's boyfriend, the father could be some homeless guy they took in or whatever. I can't even say for certain that they don't have a massive subterranean compound beneath their house with an entrance/exit five miles away and only use the front entrance enough to avoid arousing too much suspicion.
A few weeks ago Melanie worked late and came over to meet me to go hang out at about 3 a.m. As we were leaving, a car started following us, flashing its lights and laying on the horn all the way down my street. Mel and I were a bit concerned about the intentions of the vehicle's occupants and didn't care to stop, so I ignored the shenanigans until I came to the stop sign at the exit of my neighborhood. When I stopped at the sign, the other vehicle rolled up to me (in the wrong lane). The reclusive family's son (or daughter's boyfriend, pool boy, live-in nanny or whatever) rolled down the window and asked "Do you have any bud?" I told him I did not. He asked, "Are you sure?," and I told I most certainly was. He drove off, most likely never to be heard from again.
c. May 20, 2009 Anno Domini
I went out to pick up breakfast for Melanie, John and myself after a hard night of carousing, wearing my New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Champions hat. An obnoxious New England Patriots fan took offense and proceeded to make an ass of himself.
Patriots Fan: They won't win it again this year. We got Brady back.
Me: Last time New England played the Giants with Brady on the field it didn't work out to well for them.
Patriots Fan: Eli Manning didn't win that game. It was that kid with the weird name...
At this point, Patriot's fan said something unintelligible. It sounded like he was trying to say Kiwanuka (who missed the Super Bowl due to an injury) but I think he was actually referring to Osi Umenyiora. Either way, Eli did win the game. Not singlehandedly, but football is a team sport. If the fact that Eli's teammates contributed more where Brady's teammates (particularly his offensive line) let him down helps Patriots Fan sleep at night so be it. If so, he's more of a Brady fan than an actual Patriots fan but I didn't see a need to point that out to him. Perhaps I should have pointed out that Randy Moss didn't help out his quarterback by making the catch of the century on a poorly thrown ball on third and long, just to hear him tell me Moss never had the opportunity because Tom Brady doesn't make poor throws. Ha.
c. May 24, 2009 Anno Domini
I went through the drive-through at the establishment bearing her name on my break tonight and ordered, amongst other things, a double cheeseburger. Instead of the double cheeseburger, they provided me with a single chicken sandwich. No first hamburger patty. No second hamburger patty. No cheese. Even a single cheeseburger, or a double chicken sandwich with cheese would have been closer to what I actually ordered. If I hadn't had more important things to do at the time I would have gone back to the restaurant all Samuel L. Jackson style and asked the staff, "WHERE'S THE BEEF, M-TH-RF-CK-R?" That place has really gone downhill since Dave Thomas shuffled off this mortal coil.
MPSU c. June 19, 2009
Jonathan forgot what day it was, dressed for work as if it were Casual Friday, and almost left the house without rectifying his error
c. July 30, 2009 Anno Domini
Specifically in the form of the following:
If Car A leaves Topeka at 2:30 p.m., traveling east with a speed of 55 mph and Car B leaves Baltimore at 4 p.m., traveling west with a speed of 70 mph:
a) where will Car A and Car B meet?
b) if Car A and Car B meet at a four-way stop, for Pete's sake whose turn is it to go first? Come on, people. Its not that freaking hard.
c) If Henry Ford had been aware of how many people would struggle to answer b), would he have still created the modern assembly line and made the automobile accessible to the common people? I think not. And if he did, I'd be tempted to go back in time and bust a cap in his rabblerousing posterior after my commute this morning.
c. August 20, 2009 Anno Domini
On my first night in Myrtle Beach I ate at a seafood restaurant named The Sea Captain's House Restaurant, and seeing as how I don't eat seafood I ordered a chef salad because it was one of the few non-seafood items available. It turned out to be by far the best salad I have ever eaten in my life. If it was on an RPG and your character ate it your hit points would immediately be restored to full and you would gain enough experience points to go up eight levels at once. The ham was so delicious and fresh they could have had a live hog in the kitchen and sliced off flesh from it as needed for all I know. My waiter said he has worked at that establishment for five years and has never seen anyone other than me finish the entire salad, and I don't doubt him. It was so massive I was surprised it didn't have smaller satellite side salads caught in its gravitational field in elliptical orbits. I cannot possibly say enough about this salad.
A few nights after consuming the salad (because it probably wasn't safe to swim for at least 24 hours after consuming it), I intentionally "accidentally" fell into the pool with my clothes on for Bella's amusement. I lost my glasses in the process but didn't realize it until after I had already dried off and changed into dry clothing, necessitating a return trip to dive into the pool and retrieve them. The second time I almost forgot to take my insulin pump off, and probably would have jumped in with it if Melanie hadn't reminded me. All of this occurred around 2:30 a.m., more than four hours after the pool closed, but somehow escaped the notice of the security guard on duty. I told Bella when her second grade class talks about what they did over the summer she better say she saw me fall in the pool with my clothes on and that it was the most hilarious thing ever. The same security guard failed to notice "Operation Steal Bella's Shorts Back" the night before, which entailed skulking around the pool area at about the same hour the night before because Bella left the pair of shorts she had been wearing over her bathing suit during another after-hours trip to the pool.
The hotel at which we stayed had some sort of Hall of Heroes, which I never looked into, so I don't know exactly what it entails or how one becomes inducted. I told Bella I should be enshrined there for eating the massive chef salad at Sea Captain's House. She said, "No. All you did was eat a salad. That isn't very hero-ish."
MPSU c. August 27, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan had to run a red light and almost got into accidents on two separate occasions within the last 24 hours due to asinine drivers following too closely and not paying attention. If it happens again he may affix a moderate number of large titanium spikes and rotating diamond saw blades to the back of his car
MPSU c. September 3, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan would be the sort of criminal who held people at gunpoint and told them to spell words like "bourgeoise" as if their life depended on it, and asked them to recite scientific, mathematical and historical facts in a similar vein. Not that Jonathan Roberts would ever be a criminal.
c. September 19, 2009 Anno Domini
I opened a pack of Pez candy which included five smaller packs of the size used to fill up one standard Pez dispenser. The external packaging stated each pack included 9 grams of sugar, but the wrappers on the smaller packs state the net weight of each pack is 8.5 grams. This raises two points, one which irks me and one which vexes me.
The irksome point is that grams are a unit of mass, not weight so the wrapper should state the net mass is 8.5 grams. The vexatious point is that for each pack to contain 9 grams of sugar but have a mass of only 8.5 grams there must also be 0.5 grams of antimatter in each pack... but I have observed no matter-antimatter reactions. It is also worth noting that no matter how the good people at the Pez Corporation managed to get matter and antimatter to coexist the logical form for the antimatter in question to take is antisugar and the medical community has done surprisingly little research into the effects on antisugar on blood glucose levels of those afflicted with diabetes.
c. September 21, 2009 Anno Domini
Flozell Adams should sign an endorsement deal with someone like Dove or Irish Spring. He could make a commercial and say their soap was so good it can make even him a clean player. It would, of course, be a bald-faced lie but that should pose no problem because Mr. Adams is a man of less than impeccable character as anyone who watched the Giants-Cowboys game last night knows.
At this point I wouldn't be more than mildly surprised if Flozell Adams brought a shiv onto the field and stabbed an opposing player in the face. He would literally have to hack an opposing lineman's limb off with a machete to do much more than raise an eyebrow.
I really wish I could find a video of his bush league cheap shot hatchet job on Justin Tuck from last night. I wonder why it hasn't shown up on Youtube yet.
MPSU c. October 19, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan wore a musical tie to work and only failed not to inadvertently activate it on two occasions.
MPSU c. October 24, 2009 Anno Domini
Jonathan has many talents, but roasting a hot dog over a fire on a metal skewer and eating said hot dog straight from the skewer without burning his tongue on the skewer apparently isn't one of them. Who knew?
c. November 13, 2009 Anno Domini
In his recently published book, "The Book of Basketball," Bill Simmons writes that Spencer Haywood hired a mafia hit man to take out Paul Westhead after Westhead benched him during the 1980 NBA finals, but changed his mind before the deed was done. Mr. Simmons dedicates an entire chapter of the same book to analysis of the 33 most intriguing what-if scenarios in the history of the NBA, but somehow manages to leave out, "What if Spencer Haywood hadn't changed his mind about hiring a professional killer to off his coach?" How negative would the effect the assassination of Paul Westhead on the reputation of the league have been? Regardless of Magic and Bird coming along the next year, would the NBA have survived? How positive would the effect have been on the reputation of Latrell Sprewell? Compared to the contract killing of a coach, one paltry choking during practice is rather pedestrian. Would Scottie Pippen have followed suit and put out a hit on Phil Jackson instead of merely refusing to take the court for 1.8 seconds in the 1994 playoffs? Would the incident become the proverbial giant elephant in the room during future broadcasts or would Charles Barkley joke about it every time a starter got benched during crunch time? Would Kenny Smith laugh with Charles or exchange awkward "Are you sure this guy didn't come here with you? He's not with me, I don't even know him," glances behind Charles's back with Ernie Johnson every time it happened? I'm tempted to e-mail this to Mr. Simmons to see if he has the courage to man up, print it in his next mailbag column and admit how badly he dropped the ball on this one.
c. November 20, 2009 Anno Domini
I. When I was your age the closest thing we had to Facebook was LiveJournal
A. It had no status updates, only blog entries
B. We had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to use it
1. It was always 107 degrees outside
2. It was also hailing
3. Dinosaurs still roamed the Earth so there was always a risk of being eaten
C. We had to use dial-up to get online
1. Modems consisted of two tin cans joined by a string
2. You got disconnected every time an incoming call came in on the tin can phone, which happened a lot because no one used cell phones back then
3. 404 errors due to the string not being long enough were common if you tried to access web sites from far away places
II. Notes don't have character limits
A. Character limits inhibit in-depth writing
B. Character limits encourage the use of a monosyllabic vocabulary to avoid getting cut off mid-sentence
C. Character limits encourage asinine abbreviations and punctuation
1. U instead of you
2. 2nite instead of tonight
3. That one my former manager at Regal used to do that irked me and made all her text messages sound inappropriate for the workplace
D. Character limits in the forms of communication used by kids these days are a metaphor for the limits of their moral character
III. The status update format is not conducive to archival
A. I'm don't want Volume X or possibly even Volume XI of The Archives to be a bunch of one-line status updates
1. Status updates are rarely worthy of inclusion in The Archives
2. I don't want to go back and read all my old status updates to find the ones which merit inclusion
B. I don't know if Facebook even saves status updates more than one week old
c. November 21, 2009 Anno Domini
If I were a vampire I would do the following things:
1. Spend my first thousand years of undeath building up an immunity to sunlight through an excruciating process of incrementally increasing exposure.
2. Do the same thing with running water, starting by hopping over a running garden hose and completing my training by swimming across the Amazon River.
3. I know I sound repetitive, but I'd do the same with wooden stakes, beginning by poking myself in the chest with a toothpick. And then I'd make myself immune to garlic.
4. Write a series of best-selling novels portraying vampires as creatures who are always irresistibly attractive, aren't really all that bad and, despite their immortality, enjoy romantic liaisons with high school students out of only the purist of motivations. The fact that I can't imagine myself feigning interest in the banality of adolescence at 28 years of age, let alone 280 or 2828 is entirely beside the point. They're easy prey.
5. Start the following rumours:
-It is entirely outside the realm of possibility for vampires to develop immunities to sunlight or other traditional vampiral weaknesses
-All the cool kids are getting bitten by vampires. It doesn't hurt as much as they tell you it will.
-Vampires want to be your friend, and would never hurt you. In fact, they don't even really drink blood. They prefer Diet RC Cola.
-If you let a vampire bite you he will show his gratitude by giving you an adorable puppy. Or a kitten or an ipod or whatever the #$*& kids these days want but can't convince their parents to buy for them.
6. Sneak up on people looking at themselves in the mirror (because that would never get old)
7. Gorge myself on the feeble, misinformed masses
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