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Thursday, April 28, 2011

VOLUME I - Indecent Exposure in the Movie Theater and Other Tales

c. February 26, 2004 Anno Domini

A kid from work apparently went into the back room where my drink was and took a sip of it when I wasn't looking because he told me he took a sip of my drink and I didn't notice. Since he's a total sugar freak I asked if he knew it was diet and he said yes. I asked him if he was ok with that and he said yes but then stopped to think for a moment and then inquired "wait... am I going to get diabetes now?" and being the irrepressible prankster that I am I told him "yes, it's a highly communicable disease... you probably just caught it from me" and he asked "no, really?" and I said "yes, really!" At that point he started getting worried because he believed every word of it so I told him that he should probably see a doctor, and he might not ever be able to have an Icee again (he's a serious Icee addict, just like I used to be with Skittles) and his eyes started sinking back into his sockets in fear and I couldn't bear to leave him in that state for more than a few minutes so I just talked about diabetic life for a few minutes and then let him in on the joke and he wasn't very amused.

c. July 21, 2004 Anno Domini

Today was perhaps the worst day of my career in the theatre industry. I didn't break any expensive neon lights or run out of popcorn and I only offended two customers but if you had been there you would agree that they really had no business being offended at all and for once it wasn't my fault. I didn't welcome them to the Caribbean or call them love. I didn't give them the wrong beverage or but butter on their unbuttered popcorn. I just did the one thing I was hoping I would never have to do at work.

Twas worse than box. Worse than cleaning up vomit. Worse than sweeping around the compactor. Worse than cleaning up vomit from around the compactor without a mop or even a broom. I had to throw out a teenage couple caught in flagrante delicto. I was indeed rather traumatized by the incident, seeing as how I had never before seen two (or more) people engaged in flagrante delicto before. I realize I am overusing the phrase "in flagrante delicto" but it's the most eloquent way of putting it that I can think of now.

I don't think it would have been so awkward if they hadn't ignored me and continued with their flagrante delictofication the first time I said "excuse me, what is going on here?" They were... shameless about it so I had to tell them "stop that right now" to get their attention. Thankfully they did stop, and after allowing them a moment to gather themselves I told them that they would have to leave the theater and the guy remarked "I can't believe this." What part of getting thrown out of a movie theater for that kind of behavior did he not understand? There had already been a complaint from another customer who was trying to watch the same movie and found their actions to be disturbing. Kids these days! :( Anyway I threw them out the exit door and told them to never come back. Why can't people just stay out of flagrante delicto in public, eh?

c. July 28, 2004 Anno Domini

Some might say that the only good rat is a dead rat, but as any employee of my theater should know that isn't entirely true. Dead rats are just as bad as live rats... not that we have living or dead rats in the theater but we have a large number of dead mice (which are close enough) and they tend to accumulate beneath the counters in concessions. Due to some executive decision from higher up in the corporate hierarchy today was designated to be dead mice removal day and two were found while I was on break. One was found shortly after I returned. Sadly I was deprived of the opportunity to prove my valour in disposing of them because our box office worker needed a break and I needed to run the box office and while I was there three more were found, so by the time I returned to my post in concessions six dead mice had been found in the front line. I added two more to the total myself shortly thereafter, bringing the body count up to eight and salvaging a shred of my honour. We continued searching the back line and found nothing other than a knit wool cap. I can't imagine how that got there. None of them had little Reepicheep swords.

c. August 20, 2004 Anno Domini

Bratty kids that get thrown out of the movie theater for misbehaviour sometimes speak wisdom. Three of them were sitting on the curb as I was sweeping the sidewalk and they asked how old I was... since I was in a rather pleasant mood due to my impending departure I answered the question and they followed it up by asking if I went to college and where so I answered those questions too and the ringleader piped in to say "No way! If you graduated from Duke you wouldn't be working here." I have to admit there is a certain degree of truth to that, or at least there should be.

c. September 27, 2004 Anno Domini

An elf, a man and a dwarf walk into a tavern. The elf says "May I please have a glass of your finest elvish mead?," and the bartender replies "indeed you may, tis a fine choice if I do say so myself." The man says "I'll have a beer," and the bartender replies "one beer it is, sir." The dwarf says "bring me a pint of your strongest ale!," and the bartender looks down and says "No. We are prohibited by the laws of the realm from serving miners."

c. October 11, 2004 Anno Domini

Tonight during my break I was most rudely propositioned for oral sex in the parking lot. A brown sedan rolled up next to me as I was returning from my break and the passenger rolled the window down and requested that I "suck [his] dick." I told him in no uncertain terms that I would do no such thing but he was apparently a bit of a dullard because he repeated his request and at that point I was seriously tempted to throw the remainder of my fries through the car window into his face but then I remembered that my fries were delicious and I wanted to eat the rest of them so I did not throw them at him.

Then I very nearly yelled something very inappropriate but I remembered that I was in my official Regal Entertainment Group uniform including polo shirt and hat and I must remain strictly professional at all times while in uniform and quite frankly accusing a customer of the sort of indecency of which I was inclined to accuse him is highly unprofessional, even by my standards. He even had the stereotypical "molester mustache" ick ick ick.

In conclusion I offered him a french fry out of politeness in the spirit of turning the other cheek but he declined and drove off. I glared at the car menacingly until it was out of sight. The incident put me in a foul mood for the rest of the evening.

I want a job in which I don't get accosted by sexually deviant perverts. Is that too much to ask?

c. October 15, 2004 Anno Domini

Apparently everyone working concessions on Tuesday morning/afternoon sold a grand total of 19 combos with their powers combined. I wasn't there. On Wednesday I sold 18 combos betwixt the hours of twelve and six and for my efforts I was rewarded with a coupon for one free item at Wendy's because apparently combo sales have been less than lackluster as of late and management is under pressure to improve that figure.

In any event I wasn't about to complain about free Wendy's food although honestly I don't believe in such incentives because I think I should sell combos because it's my bloody job and I agree to do it as part of the terms of employment and if I don't like it I have every right to notify Regal Entertainment Group of my intent to not to my job and then leave to find a new one. No incentive other than the knowledge that I am not a lazy incompetent slacker should be necessary but I do frequent the local Wendy's so I accepted the most generous offer.

Only today while gazing upon the coupon as it lied on my dresser did I realized that it had "EXPIRES DECEMBER 31, 2003" printed upon it. If I was Mr. Peabody, Marty McFly, Ted "Theodore" Logan or Bill S. Preston, Esq. that would be rad.

This is not a complaint, merely an observation of the state of Regal Entertainment Group.

c. October 31, 2004 Anno Domini

Me: If you buy a large popcorn and two medium drinks you get free refills and free Starburst or Skittles
Intoxicated Customer: That sounds good, how much is it?
Me: $13.25
IC: Oh naaaaaawwwwwwww that's too much, I'll just have a medium Cherry Coke and a medium Mello Yello
Me: Your total is $7.50
IC: Come on, can you throw in some free Skittles?
Me: Only if you buy a large popcorn
IC: With much enthusiasm Sure, no problem! Thanks!

c. November 2, 2004 Anno Domini

Today I made the tragic mistake of forgetting to bring my debit card along with me on my magical journey to the land of Regal. Normally that would mean that I could not purchase a beverage on the way to work and I would be eating popcorn for dinner and that would be the end of it but today of all days there had to be more to the story...

At 6:30 PM I was on my register and a customer ordered Snickers Poppables brand (TM) candy so I bent down to get it and the seam of my pants split right down the middle. I was a bit concerned but a quick inspection revealed that the hole was not as gapingly wide as I had feared so I continued working as if nothing had happened but unfortunately the seam continued coming apart as I worked and before I knew it I was indecently exposing my fellow employees and customers to my pirate booty. Actually it was an indirect exposure, as I fortunately had an undergarment covering my posterior, so to speak but still it was more than I imagine anyone wanted to see.

Of all the days to not wear the ones with the red rocket ships! Actually I don't even own a pair of underpants with red rocket ships... I should rectify that at the nearest opportunity but that shall have to wait.

There wasn't much I could do about it, as we had customers out the wazoo and I had to serve them regardless of the state of my breeches but eventually I went on break and this is where the lack of a debit card came back from beyond the grave to haunt me. If I had one I could have simply gone to Target on my break and purchased another pair of pants but I was unable to execute that plan.

I ended up making a very manly makeshift kilt out of a trash bag (including a rather scandalous slit up the side, if you must know) and that served its purpose for a time but it was deemed to be unprofessional in appearance and a manager gave me a roll of tape and instructed me to "tape it up from the inside" so I complied. That worked, but not as well as anticipated. In the process of taping my pants I had to make them just a bit tighter and the result was that when I tried to fasten them the zipper was launched at a high velocity and I no longer had any method by which to fasten my fly. That sucked.

Eventually another manager granted me permission to violate one of the most inviolate sections of the official Regal Entertainment Group dress code and untuck my shirt to cover meself up and I most gleefully complied. I may be the only employee to ever be permitted such a liberty and I'd be darned if I wasn't going to enjoy it. I kept my shirt untucked for the remainder of my shift.

Oddly enough I heard not one complaint throughout the entire evening about the exposure of my booty, not even from the ladies.

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