c. July 7, 2010 Anno Domini
I saw a car on Ballantyne Commons Parkway today with a license plate stating "140CHARS"
Someone is either boasting about how many Pokémen he/she unlocked or really gung-ho about twitter.
Circa July 9, 2010 Anno Domini
Acronyms Sure to Induce Neurotic Ire to Nonsensical Extremes
The following acronyms and types of acronyms annoy the deuce out of me:
https (Hyper Text Transfer Protocol Secure): It should be shttp, because "secure hyper text transfer protocol" makes more grammatical sense than "hyper text transfer protocol secure"
URL (Universal Resource Locator): Seeing as how not even the moon, let alone the
entire universe, has internet access the "Universal" part strikes me as pretentious. It would be more appropriate to say PRL (Planetary Resource Locator), GRL (Global Resource Locator) or TRL (Terran Resource Locator). Actually, it should be IRL (Internet Resource Locator) because it only locates resources on the internet. You can't type "oil" or "potable water" into the address bar of your browser and expect it to locate oil or potable water for you IRL (In Real Life).
DVD (Definition Non-Existant): Someone needs to pick something for the bloody V to stand for already, even if it is something patently absurd such as "Digital Vorpal Disc" or "Digital Vuvuzela Disc." Until that day, it may as well be a "Digital Vexation Disc" as far as I'm concerned.
SR.D (Spectral Recording - Digital): Acronyms should not contain punctuation but if they must it should at least be the sort of punctuation that would be proper if you wrote it out in the unabbreviated form. No one in his or her right mind would ever write out, "The spectral recording.digital soundtrack is encoded between the sprocket holes," instead of, "The spectral recording - digital soundtrack is encoded between the sprocket holes." Then again, all my fact-checking suggests the Dolby Corporation actually uses SRD or SR-D so maybe it is only Regal Entertainment Group (REG) that abbreviates it as SR.D because REG is stupid. I wouldn't be surprised.
REG (Regal Entertainment Group): Technically, nothing about this acronym itself offends me but I despise everything it stands for.
AIM (AOL Instant Messenger): This one is archaic and no one uses it these days but it should have been AOLIM because acronyms should not include single letters representing other acronyms. From there it is a slippery slope to entire meta-acronyms and eventually words would cease to exist as everyone communicates using only letters without even knowing what any of the letters actually meant.
Two-letter acronyms: If you have to abbreviate anything that was only two words long to begin with that is just lazy and exceedingly poor form.
One-letter acronyms: Same as above, but moreso.
Acronyms used primarily in text messaging or on twitter: Anything I could possibly say about this should, and will, go without saying.
Acronyms that spell words: Exactly 97.25% of such acronyms are created by people who start with the word they want to end up with and think they are being clever by creating a painfully awkward acrostic to fit it. Exceptions to this rule can be granted when the acronym is question is meant in jest, such as Carmen Sandiego's V.I.L.E. (Villains' International League of Evil) or SPEW (Society for the Protection of Elfish/EricLeeForsyth's Welfare), but attempting such a thing with a straight face or with a tongue planted anywhere other than firmly in cheek is not advised for those wishing to remain in my good graces. For another example of an exception to this rule (for those of you who haven't already figured it out) see the title of this blog entry.
c. July 12, 2010 Anno Domini
I recently decided to begin wearing a suit, or at least a sport coat and tie, to work on a daily basis. This resolution may have had something to do with the fact that I'm 29 years old, and it is about time I stopped going to work with untucked polo shirts or dress shirts with the top button undone and no belt like a 15 year old punk kid on his way home from a confirmation/homecoming/NHS banquet thinking "I can't wait to tear this darned grown-up clothes off as soon as I get home" all the way back in the car. This necessitated a trip to the mall to purchase a few dress shirts. Shopping for dress shirts is sort of an alien concept to me because I normally practice the time-honored masculine tradition of relying on my mother to give me lots of dress shirts every year for my birthday and Christmas, so I didn't know my shirt size. Needless to say, I failed to take note of this gap in my knowledge until I was standing in the store, looking back and forth between two different shirts and trying to guess which accommodate my neck and which would asphyxiate me. Luckily, I had gone to the mall straight from work and was wearing a perfectly-fitting dress shirt gifted to me by my mother, who should no doubt be canonized one day as the patron saint of mothers whose sons are hopeless when it comes to shopping for their own clothing. My brilliant plan for dealing with this unfortunate situation was to loosen my tie, undo the top button of my shirt and repeatedly crane my neck in one direction while twisting the collar in the other direction and attempting to read the numbers on the tag. If my goal had been to make myself look like in idiot in front of lots of people in a department store my plan would have been a rousing success but as things stood it was... not a success. Someone should have been there with a camera to take a picture of my awkward contortions, superimpose the words "EPIC FAIL" on it and post it on Facebook, but no. Moments like that happen frequently enough that I should at least look into the possibility of getting a photographer to follow me around just to capture them. Teetering as I was, on the cusp of a crisis, I very nearly took the drastic step of asking a woman passing by, "Pardon me, m'lady, but could you please help me to determine my measurements?," but I then noticed a partially concealed mirrored column. Using the mirror, I was able to read the tag and learn my shirt size with a minimum of additional contortion. The lower half of the mirrored column was concealed behind shelves and merchandise and such, so it is probably a good thing that I did already know my trouser size.
c. July 17, 2010 Anno Domini
Earlier today, Facebook suggested I befriend three dozen individuals, all of whom are ladies. The explanation offered for why I should befriend every single one of them was, "(name withheld) is a mutual friend." (Name withheld)'s status as an upper-echelon ladies' man came to me as no surprise. I have known as much for several years. What I could not fathom was why Facebook suddenly considered it necessary to try to introduce me to three dozen ladies based on only our mutual acquaintance with (name withheld). Either the algorithm Facebook uses to make random friend suggestions is actually not very random, all my friends other than (name withheld) don't have any other friends or Facebook is in league with certain elements of society I refer to as "Those Who Think I Should Get Out More and Meet a Woman or Two." If the latter is the case, I'm sure all three dozen ladies received suggestions from Facebook to befriend me with explanations such as "(name withheld) is a mutual friend and your biological clock is ticking," "(name withheld) is a mutual friend and I know this guy's profile picture looks bad but I swear it was just taken from an unflattering angle," and "(name withheld is a mutual friend and okay all this guy's pictures are awful but he has a really nice personality." Of course, I summarily x'ed every last one of them out without bothering to check out their profiles. That's how I deal with most people I meet in real life too. Even dark-haired ladies who introduce themselves by saying, "Hey baby, (name withheld) is a mutual friend and I have a passion for calculus, traditional orthography and long, moonlit walks on the beach.'
c. July 22, 2010 Anno Domini
from: (name withheld)
to: jdroberts@gmail.com
date: Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 5:48 PM
subject: Aaron
Hi!My name is (name withheld) and I might have someone that may be interested in moving in with Aaron. Please give me a call so we can set up a mutually agreeable time for them,and us, to meet.Thank you,(name withheld)ACE Agency for Community Empowerment(555) 555-5555
I could have replied to this by saying I know two gentlemen named Aaron and neither of them are interested in anyone moving in with them, but I did not.
from: (name withheld)
to: jdroberts@gmail.com
date: Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 7:59 PM
subject: Love you
Hi, Honey---I had a flood in my house---better than a fire but no fun---and was forced to go through everything I own. I came across a box filled with letters from you and Jake. I spent an hour sitting there crying and remembering when you were younger. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and always will even when I'm a gaga old lady and you're a middle aged man.Hope you're having a good summer----Much love, (name withheld)
I replied to tell (name withheld) that I could not be the J.D. Roberts she was looking for because I'm already a middle-aged man. She didn't e-mail me back.
from: noreply@qualitysmith.com
to: jdroberts@gmail.com
date: Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 4:01 PM
subject: Your QualitySmith Request in Covina
Dear Jonathon,
Thank you for your estimate request. We appreciate the opportunity to help you find a top-quality contractor for your project.
YOU SUBMITTEDJonathon RobertsCovina, California 91722(555) 555-5555jdroberts@gmail.com
QualitySmith is here to offer you the convenience of evaluating three trusted contractors, without the inconvenience of having to contact, schedule and pre-screen each one individually.
If you have not downloaded your FREE copy of our 9 Tips to Hiring a Contractor, you can do so here.
Thanks for choosing QualitySmith.
Best Regards,The QualitySmith Customer Service Team
from: ServiceMagic Service Request customerservice@mp.servicemagic.com
reply-to: ServiceMagic Service Request conscustomerservice@servicemagic.com
to: jdroberts@gmail.com
date: Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 4:01 PM
subject: Thanks for Submitting a Install a Central Air Conditioning System Request!
Dear Jonathon,
QualityShare has contacted ServiceMagic in order to connect you with up to 3 additional Central A/C Contractors. Please see your matching 10 point screened pros below. Learn about ServiceMagic's 10-Point Contractor Screening.
To access your account, login to www.servicemagic.com using the username and password below.Username: jdroberts@gmail.comPassword: (password withheld)
Next Step: Connect to Your Pros Your matched pros are below. We recommend calling them immediately to request an estimate.
Southwest HVAC, Inc. (562) 896-9442Sears Heating and Cooling - Los Angeles South (866) 747-7381
Remember, all ServiceMagic Professionals are Screened & Approved.
By using ServiceMagic's services, you agree to the ServiceMagic Terms & Conditions
Sign up for Premium Membership and enjoy benefits like accessto a DIY Hotline and Increased Limited Service Guarantee!
Regards,
Customer Service TeamServiceMagic, Inc.Toll-free 1-800-266-8722
I somehow resisted the temptation to reset the intended recipient's password to "iamamoronwhospamsotherpeoplesemailbynotknowingmyownemailaddress" Also, I imagine he sent ServiceMagic, Inc. a billion complaints about how they never got back to him about that A/C installation thing.
c. July 26, 2010
I went to the Best Buy at Blakeney today and my cashier was a former subordinate of mine from Regal Entertainment Group. I didn't recognize her at first, but she asked if I recognized her and I guessed correctly that she was from Regal. Since I have never been a very memorable character, I told her I found it very surprising that anyone I last worked with circa 2004 Anno Domini would remember me at all. She explained that she only remembered me because I was the guy with the Powerpuff Girls backpack.
I used to carry various and sundry items, including my work uniform to the theater in a Powerpuff Girls backpack when I was unlicensed and used to walk or ride my bike to work every day. I had to regrettably decommision it because one day I brought a bottle of pineapple habañero hot sauce to work to put on my lunch, set the backpack down too hard and shattered the bottle. Pineapple habañero hot sauce got all over the inside of the backpack (and my work uniform) and gave the interior a fresh, pineappley, habañeroesque scent. Upon returning home from work, I opened the backpack up and left it outside to aerate but a torrential downpour occurred and I gave up on it.
The wretchedly impudent girl didn't even address me as Mr. Roberts, as I prefer for all former Regal employees I encounter in life after Regal to do. Luckily for her, I had other errands to get to and I didn't have a Regal Employee Counseling Form in my pocket else I would have written her up.
c. July 29, 2010 Anno Domini
The FedEx drop box outside the building in which I work bears a label stating, "PULL DOWN HERE TO DELIVER PACKAGE." The instructions on its far more demure UPS counterpart merely state, "Come up and see me sometime."
c. August 10, 2010 Anno Domini
I Want to Work Enough Overtime to Accumulate Enough Wealth to Buy Facebook. When I own Facebook I will change the relationship status in people's profiles from multiple choice, e.g. single, engaged, married, to an open-ended field with no character limit. Then instead of merely clicking the radio button for "single" people will be able to change their relationship status to something far more informative, i.e. "Single and not amenable to people trying to change that. Anyone who objects to that can bugger off, and anyone who actually expresses such an objection to me can bugger off twice." That would be significantly less ambiguous than "It's complicated."
c. August 17, 2010 Anno Domini
Lando Calrissian: Thanks for agreeing to be my wingman tonight, Ack. I didn't have time for much of a social life while I was running the colony in Bespin.
Admiral Ackbar: No problem, Lando.
Lando: I'm feeling lucky... that fourth moon is looking awfully romantic tonight.
Ackbar: That's no moon. That's a space station.
Lando: Whatever, Ack. That H'nemthe lady over there has been gazing seductively at me all night. You distract her Jawa friend while I put on the moves.
Ackbar: That one's trouble, bro. H'nemthe females eviscerate their partners with their razor-sharp, knife-shaped tongues during the act of mating.
Lando: Shut up, Ack. You're just jealous because that squidface mask you're rockin' isn't working with the ladies. Oh wait, that's no mask. That's your face! BURRRRRRRN!
Ackbar: *rolls squidface eyes at Lando*
Lando: Either you're with me or your not, but I'm going in.
Ackbar: *dives and tackles Lando while yelling in slow motion* IT'S A TRAAAAAAAAAAP!
1I did not make this up for the sake of convenience. For further information about the wiles of H'nemthe females read the short story "Nightlily" from the book Tales From the Mos Eisley Cantina or look them up on the Wookiepedia at http://www.starwars.wikia.com/
c. August 24, 2010 Anno Domini
Normally I dress a bit more formally for work than company policy requires, i.e. a suit or sport coat and tie, but tonight I eschewed the jacket and I felt stark naked. It made no sense. I was fully clothed lounging in shorts and a t-shirt or even going to work in jeans on Saturdays an Sundays when things are more relaxed. It wasn't even as if I were violating any established corporate cultural norms... I normally don't notice anyone else wearing a jacket and if anyone else was even wearing a tie tonight it escaped my notice. At one point, I actually had to look down and visually confirm that I was wearing pants. That should not have been necessary because I knew beyond any doubt that my keys and wallet were in my pockets and I am not a marsupial, Q. E. D. I was wearing pants. It must take a cooler head than mine to follow such logical chains of reasoning while the coverage of one's loins is less than certain. Or maybe I'm just a freak.
c. August 30, 2010 Anno Domini
Firmus Piett: Lord Vader, do you think we should make any modifications to the standard equipment before we invade the Rebel base?
Darth Vader: Do not bother me with such trivialities. Imperial officers should be able to competently handle such trifling logistical matters as this without my personal attention.
Firmus Piett: Yes, Lord Vader. I was only deferring to your vast wealth of knowledge and beseeching you to advise your humble servant with the wisdom of a Sith lord.
Death Star Trooper: *snicker*
Darth Vader: Line the standard stormtrooper suits with bantha fur to retain warmth and trouble me no more, officer.
Firmus Piett: What ever do we need the suits to retain warmth for? Pray tell, your eminence.
Darth Vader: Hoth is a very cold planet.
Firmus Piett: It doesn't, perchance, rain a lot there, does it?
Death Star Trooper: *snicker*
Darth Vader: Hoth receives an average of 23 inches of precipitation per day but, due to the temperature, this precipitation falls in the form of intricately-branched, hexagonal crystals.
Firmus Priett: Intimately-bleached what? I'm only an incompetent Imperial officer, Lord Vader. I don't understand your big Sithy words.
Darth Vader: Snow, you fool! Snoooooooooooooooooooooooow!
Death Star Trooper: *snickersnickersnicker* Good one, Firmus... maybe even better than that time you made him explain what the tractor beam was used for.
Firmus Priett: Thank you, my good man. Maybe next time I'll insist to him that the golden droid's name is C3P1.
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