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Thursday, April 28, 2011

VOLUME VII - Several Tales, None of Which Are Particularly Noteworthy

c. November 30, 2006 Anno Domini

I generally assume that doctors have heard it all in the course of their line of work and that not much surprises them or leaves them taken aback or whatever but yesterday I went to visit my doctor for a routine appointment. Anyway, my doctor was going through a list of various potential long-term complications of diabetes and asking if I had been experiencing them when the conversation turned to:

Doctor: Sexual dysfunction?
Me: I wouldn't really know
Doctor Lady: looks at me with a look on her face as if that's a totally unreasonable and unexpected off-the-wall response
AWKWARD SILENCE
Me: Well, I've never tried to find out
AWKWARD SILENCE 2
Doctor: So you're not sexually active?
Me: No, I'm not.
AWKWARD SILENCE 3
Doctor Lady: Have you had a flu shot yet?

Perhaps I should have just explained to her that as a practicing Catholic I'm not allowed to go around performing self-examinations for that sort of thing all willy-nilly?

c. December 1, 2006 Anno Domini

Al Diablo con Barnes & Noble. The Spanish-language section of their store is a disgrace. Worse than not having a Spanish section at all. They have what would appear to be the complete works of Nicholas Sparks, the hack who wrote The Notebook, translated into Spanish yet not a single copy of Don Quijote in the original language graces their shelves. I don't know what left me more shocked and appalled... that or the fact that they stuffed some book entitled "Todo Sobre el Orgasmo" right between "El Catechismo de la Iglesia C├ítolica" and "La Santa Biblia." ¡Diablos!

c. December 10, 2006 Anno Domini

Customer: One ticket for The Royal Palace
Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. We don't have a movie called The Royal Palace playing here.
Customer: Yes you do.
Cashier: No we don't.
Customer: I don't know what time its showing but you do have a movie called The Royal Palace
Cashier: No we don't.
fast forward through a few minutes of more of the same
Cashier: What is this Royal Palace movie about anyway?
Customer: You know what it is. That one with James Bond.

c. December 10, 2006 Anno Domini

A twelve year old girl at the theater for a birthday party read my nametag and apparently drew a conclusion or two based on my name.

Twelve year old girl: Are you Julia Roberts's husband?
Me: EGAD NO! BLIMEY SHE'S ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER!!!!. But she isn't.

The mother of the birthday child, who was probably about the same age as Julia Roberts, appeared to take a small degree of offense but made no comment. A few minutes later...

Same twelve year old girl: Can I call you Mr. Roberts or do I have to call you Jonathan?

After the tour...

Yet again the same twelve year old girl: Is the movie going to be full?
Me: Don't worry about that. You have reserved seats.
Yet again the same twelve year old girl: Is someone guarding them?
Me: No, but they are labeled as reserved seating
Yet again the same twelve year old girl: What if someone is sitting in our seats?
Me: I'm a sumo wrestler. I think I can deal with that.

c. December 11, 2006 Anno Domini

One of my friends was using a bright electric blue feather duster at work so I plundered a feather from it to put in my pimp hat. Its awesome.

Last night at work I was wearing the hat (with the feather) and a customer asked if I was a pimp. I told her I was and that I had to go work at my pimp job after I got done with the theater. That must have impressed her because she asked me for my autograph. I felt compelled to oblige but she also asked me to hire her cousin and that was the sort of request to I couldn't acquiesce... one has to draw the line somewhere.

c. December 22 ,2006 Anno Domini

I recently purchased a very normal, ordinary, mundane, boring run o' the mill pimp cane with a beady red-eyed cobra head handle to go along with the pimp coat I posted about on here and all my other pimp attire... from ebay, just like the coat. The listing certainly made it sound mundane but the seller forgot to mention that the cobra head handle unscrews from the body of the cane and also that there is a rather serious-looking dagger attached to the handle. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand... its a freaking sweet sword cane (which I suppose is kind of redundant... sword canes in general are freaking sweet) but on the other hand... I can't exactly trample into the theater with it because technically according to the Regal Entertainment Group employee handbook such things are classified as weapons and I could actually get fired for "carrying or brandishing a weapon."

Out of all the things I could possibly ever imagine getting fired for I suppose "carrying or brandishing a sword cane" would at least make for a good story but the novelty of being unemployed and writing that in the section of job applications where potential employers ask you if you have ever been terminated or suspended from a previous job and request an explanation if the answer is yes would eventually wear off, most likely before a hardened, convicted sword cane-brandishing rogue was able to find another job so I'm obviously only going to be able to use this cane in social situations despite the fact that its fairly obvious that I would never run recklessly amok stabbing people left and right in the theater with unbridled abandon just because I have a sword cane even if it is exactly the sort of job that could make an otherwise non-violent person want to do something of that nature on occasion. I am obviously not the stabbing type but if I were its not like we don't have scissors lying around at the customer service desk.

Drat, I'm going to have to get another cobra head handle cane WITHOUT a big dagger inside of it now. At least I have a freaking sweet sword cane.

c. April 18, 2007 Anno Domini

I took a marine ecology class in a summer program at the Duke University Marine Lab when I was a lot younger and the other kids at my table and I had an aquarium that we threw all sorts of random aquatic creatures into. One of the random aquatic creatures was a very mild-mannered snail and another one was a hermit crab. We put about five different empty shells in there for the hermit crab to choose from when the time came for him to leave his shell and move into a new one but instead of moving into any of the shells we so carefully selected he grabbed the snail with one of his claws right about where the snail's jugular would be if snails had jugulars and ripped it out of its shell, cast the snail corpse aside and took the snail's shell as its own, right in front of me.

Or the time my crackhead neighbors in St. Louis owed their crack dealer money and didn't pay so their crack dealer sent a couple of thugs over to break into their house and rob them blind in the middle of the afternoon one day but the stupid thugs got the address wrong and robbed the house next door instead. The crackhead neighbors ended up getting evicted not much later after that anyway because apparently they hadn't been making their mortgage payments either so its not like they were just holding out on their crack dealer. They really didn't have the money.

c. September 2, 2007 Anno Domini

My mother's reaction to me wearing a long peacock feather in my hat

My Mum: Is that a new feather?
Me: Yes!
My Mum: People are going to start to think that your line of work is... awkward pause as she searches for the right words... finding work for prostitutes.
Me: Oh, no... it isn't like that.
My Mom: in a disapproving mother tone of voice That's what it looks like!
Me: Idon'tdothat!SorryIhavetogotoworknowbye! exit stage left

c. October 14, 2007 Anno Domini

A #3 combo is a medium soft drink & a medium popcorn. This information is relevant.

Customer Lady: I'll have a #3 combo without popcorn
Me: Without popcorn... like a bag full of butter?
Customer Lady: What?
Me: The #3 combo comes with a medium popcorn, but I could just give you a bag of butter instead with maybe just one or two pieces of popcorn floating on top I guess.
Customer Lady: Haha. Sorry, I meant without butter but that's how my husband likes it.
Me: So you're enjoying the chance for butter-free popcorn while you're here alone with the kids?
Customer Lady: Yeah!
Me: Its a very divisive issue. I see couples argue about whether they're getting butter or not all the time here.
Customer Lady: Haha.
Me: Actually when I ask a lady out I ask her about that first, so there won't be any trouble, just to get it out of the way first... like "if we went to a movie together would you insist on getting a lot of butter on your popcorn? Is that non-negotiable?" Because if it is, then there's no way that's going to work out.

Of course that's a load of bollocks because I don't eat popcorn when I go to see a movie, with or without a lady. Not that I've seen a movie with a lady in ages but that's neither here nor there.

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