c. June 22, 2005 Anno Domini
The highlight of the evening was when the floor managers ordered food from a local dining establishment and sent an employee to pick it up. I went on break and when I returned I caught the employee with the floor managers' food and told her to give the food to me, return empty-handed and tell the floor managers that she got attacked by pirates. I was amused but they were not so I graciously returned the plundered booty to them but I could have kept it.
c. July 7. 2005 Anno Domini
I left work around 10:15 PM EDT last night to go to the emergency room so I arrived at the ER in a suit with a very dapper hat and I dare say I was the best dressed person in the waiting room.
Once I was admitted the nurse told me to remove my shirt, jacket and tie and put on a hospital gown but she didn't explicitly instruct me to remove the hat so the hat stayed on and I was still the best dressed person in a hospital gown but then I had to use the restroom and when I saw myself in the mirror I realized that I looked ridiculous. It didn't matter, the hat stayed on. I got out around 4 AM EDT and they seem to think I'm going to be ok.
c. July 20, 2005 Anno Domini
I was stylin' on Sunday night with my retro disco suit but Monday night was an entirely different story. I put the disco suit back in the closet and wore something much more conventional but I forgot to bring a belt with me to work... I was walking and therefore I didn't actually walk to work in a suit. I brought it with me and changed on the premises at which time I discovered that I was beltless.
Normally that wouldn't be a problem because I was in projection but I still haven't gained back the ten pounds I lost by giving up meat for lent so my pants won't really stay up without a belt. I could have gone to Target and purchased a new belt like I did when I forgot my shoes not too long ago but I decided that they had profited from my forgetfulness enough.
I ended up digging into our bucket o' old, obsolete trailers, cutting off a suitable length of film, threading it through my belt loops and tying it securely. I walked around with film for a belt all night and I still laugh every time I think about it.
c. July 27, 2005 Anno Domini
On Sunday night a couple of employees said that I must have been a big pimp in high school. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't know where they get these ideas.
c. August 12, 2005 Anno Domini
As I passed through the security checkpoint at the airport in Charlotte the security lady said she liked my hat. I like my hat too.
The city of New York was obviously not ready for me. It had never seen anyone walking around like a pimp with a hat as great as mine, or so it would appear because random people were constantly starting conversations with me about my hat.
Less than an hour after arriving in NYC I was walking down the street a gentleman told me he liked my hat and said I had to let him borrow it tomorrow night. I couldn't allow him to borrow it because I was returning home the next afternoon but I let him try it on and he said I was lucky it was too big for his head or he would keep it.
Later during the concert a highly intoxicated fellow asked if he could borrow my hat so he could have a picture taken with it on. He wanted to look cool like me in my hat so I allowed it.
After the show a homeless man walked up to me outside the venue and said "You are a bloodthirsty man. I can tell by the color of your hat that you are bloodthirsty." It was awesome.
c. September 9, 2005 Anno Domini
Employee: displaying a bottle of bleach with the label torn off Can you look at this and tell me if its bleach?
Me: after taking cap off of bottle and looking inside Hmmmm, I can't tell. Maybe you should taste it to find out.
Employee: Ok...
Me: as the employee in question is, much to my surprise, about to taste the bleach No, don't actually do that.
Employee: Why not?
At this point I had to give employee a very stern lecture about acids, bases, the pH level of bleach, elementary school science experiments involving baking soda and lemon juice, stomach acids and the meaning of pain
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't sarcastically encourage impressionable young college sophomores to do anything stupid and self-destructive because they might not know how stupid and self-destructive it is and furthermore there is a potential for them to actually do it.
c. October 1, 2005 Anno Domini
She Who Will Not Be Named: They probably won't have those for much longer. (in reference to my insulin pump)
Me: Why not?
SWWNBN: It would be very inconvenient for some people.
Me: How?
SWWNBN: in a saucy tone of voice If you had a wife. (in reference to copulation)
Me: You can disconnect it for up to fifteen minutes with no problems.
SWWNBN: What if it takes more than fifteen minutes?
Me: You can disconnect it for up to an hour with no problems.
SWWNBN: What if it takes more than an hour?
Me: You can disconnect it for up to three hours if you check your blood sugar first and give yourself an injection with a needle.
SWWNBN: in an extremely saucy tone of voice What if it takes more than three hours?
Me: Then your fellow is a better man than I.
SWWNBN: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
c. October 4, 2005 Anno Domini
A woman brought a little black poodle into the theater in her purse, Paris Hilton style. I politely said to her "I'm sorry ma'am but you can't bring your dog in the theater." She stared at me as if I had said something completely absurd and socially inappropriate such as "I'm sorry ma'am but you can't wear pants in the theater," for two minutes and then said "I heard you."
She then proceeded to stare at me in the same manner for another two minutes so I repeated myself and offered her a full refund if she would like to leave with her dog and perhaps come back without her dog another time. She continued staring, oblivious to the fact that she was not going to get into her auditorium with her dog. The innocent dog, which I do not blame for any of this unpleasantness put it's nose on the counter of the concession stand while the woman continued staring and I thought about asking our security officer to try his luck at getting through to her. I was about to put that plan into action when she finally broke the awkward silence again by saying "I'll put him in the car."
I was concerned about the well-being of the dog. Although it wasn't too hot I didn't think it could have done the dog much good to be locked in a car for two hours whilst his owner watched War of the Worlds so I asked her if her dog would be ok in the car. She elected not to reply and resumed her nonplussed stare so I walked off to attend to other business.
Shortly afterwards she beckoned for me to come over as if I were her butler and said "I'll take a refund." I wasted no time in giving her a refund and watched her and her dog leave.
I also sent an employee on break and he never came back all night so I had to write him up. I wrote "I sent (name withheld) on break at 7:54 PM, July 3rd, 2005. He never returned." It felt like I was writing a unsolved mysteries police report.
It was definitely the most interesting day I have had at work in quite some time.
c. October 26, 2005 Anno Domini
An edict was recently issued saying that projectionists are no longer allowed to use profanity in the booth log. Not that I was using profanity in the booth log to begin with but as a sign of solidarity with my brethren I have been trying to use the word "dog gone" as little as possible when writing in the booth log.
Of course instead of writing "dog gone" tonight I wrote that I wanted to blow up a certain projector using dynamite. That might be a little worse. In semi-related news the VP is coming in tomorrow and may or may not read the booth log.
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