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Thursday, April 28, 2011

VOLUME IX - One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor For a Coconut Macaroon and Other Tales

c. March 26, 2007 Anno Domini

My experiences at the airport in in Miami which included a twelve hour layover in which I was not allowed to check in for my connecting flight until 4 AM EDT (two hours before the flight), and even then there was a bit of a problem at the checkout counter so I had to wait in line until 5:15 AM EDT and this was after lugging my luggage around the airport all night since there was nowhere to stow it. Fortunately I was able to plug my dvd player into a random electrical outlet and watch The Terminal, starring the esteemed Mr. Tom Hanks. It seemed like an appropriate choice.

The only cool thing was that I spent the entire layover in full pimp attire and a random airport employee asked me where my hoes were.

Random Airport Employee: Hey, pimp! Where are your hoes?
Random Pimp aka Me: In Charlotte... I don't have them with me tonight.
Random Airport Employee: What? How can a pimp travel without his hoes?
Random Pimp aka Me: They missed their flight... I'm going to have to deal with them as soon as I get home.

Then security held me up because they wanted to inspect my set of dominoes. They didn't care about all the needles or anything else I was carrying but apparently dominoes could be a terrorist weapon?

c. March 27, 2007 Anno Domini

I totally got put in my place by a witty, old grandma at the wedding for talking trash about young people which is not something I'm used to. She was telling me that she was trying to tell her granddaughters to dance but that wouldn't listen to her so I said young people these days are so disrespectful and really should respect their elders more and do what they are told, expecting her to wholeheartedly agree with me but instead she took me by surprise by grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her, grabbing her nearest granddaughter and sharply scolding the two (2) of us, saying "you young people, go dance with each other!" and there really wasn't much I could do other than go along with it in light of what I had just said. I don't think the granddaughter was too pleased because I was by far the most inept dancer there.

c. April 17, 2007 Anno Domini

An employee made the audacious claim that her cookies were worth risking death for (because I have diabetes and they would make my blood sugar high) to which I could only reply that if I was going to risk death for cookies I'd rather find a more hardcore way to do it, such as sneaking into the hostile land of Mordor and passing by an army of vigilant orcs to steal Sauron's very own cookies from right under his nose and that simple assertion led to the following string of improbable conclusions:

-Elrond should have told Frodo to bring back some cookies from Morder, sort of like "after you destroy the Ring bring back some of Sauron's cookies for me because I'm getting sick of this Elvish lembas bread and I hear that Sauron's cookies are worth risking death for."

-Sauron learned the art of baking from Morgoth, who stole the Silmarils and the secret Elvish cookie recipe from Feanor

-Sauron probably bakes his cookies by putting them in the fires of Orodruin for one (1) second and then letting them cool for approximately thirty (30) minutes

-The reason Sauron hates elves so much is that Keebler put him out of the cookie business. In fact, the whole reason he got into trying to rule all of Middle Earth as a dictatorial tyrant is because he was frustrated by his failure as a baker.

-Eowyn is a far more desirable female than Arwen although the employee in question disagrees and she even called me out on the fact that that violates one of the Official Requirements (the one that says "must not be blonde or a ninja").

-I'm willing to waive the not being blonde requirement for any woman who can truthfully claim to have slain a Witch King of Ang-Mar

-I'd still rather have a dark-haired woman who can truthfully claim to have slain a Witch King of Ang-Mar if such an individual exists

c. April 27, 2007 Anno Domini

At mass with my mother...

Me: takes out wallet to put money in the collection plate
My Mom: whispering Pssssst... Jonathan?
Me: What?
My Mom: Is that a SKELETON on your wallet?
Me: Mom, I'm a pirate.

c. May 5, 2007 Anno Domini

Twelve Year Old Boy: What would happen if the bulb exploded?
Me: Not much... it would be loud but the explosion would be contained inside the lamphouse.
Twelve Year Old Boy: How much of the building would get blown up if the lamphouse wasn't there when the bulb exploded?
Me: Not much actually, only the immediate area around the projector.
Twelve Year Old Boy: What if you were standing next to it when it exploded?
Me: You'd get glass in your eye.

No point in sugarcoating things for these kids. I tell it to them straight

c. June 2, 2007 Anno Domini

I had a birthday party tour today. They were all dressed up as pirates to see Pirates of the Caribbean so I got my pirate hat out of my car and put it on before their tour. I probably should have gotten my sword too because one of the girls actually menacingly threatened me with her sword but I think she was just playing around and it was actually kind of adorable. The birthday girl's mom introduced me to them all as "Captain Jonathan Sparrow" and there was one hilarious little girl who asked interesting questions.

Before going upstairs for the tour:
Little Piratey Girl: Are you trying to walk like Captain Jack Sparrow?
Me: No, I'm not trying. It comes naturally. Captain Jack Sparrow had to learn how to walk like me.

After coming down from the tour before the movie:
Little Piratey Girl: Do you like rum?
Me: Of course I do, but unfortunately we don't have any here. Its always gone. I'm not sure why, or where its gone off to but its definitely not here.

c. June 9, 2007 Anno Domini

Ten Year Old Birthday Girl: It was fun watching a movie I started myself!
Me: Hehe, yeah. I start movies myself sometimes and climb down through the window to watch them.
Birthday Girl's Friend: When do you do that?
Me: When I'm watching a movie for quality control purposes before it comes out, usually around midnight.
Birthday Girl's Friend: Do you wake up one minute before midnight to come watch the movie?
Me: No, I'm usually up that late anyway.
Birthday Girl's Friend: You stay up PAST MIDNIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?

c. June 10, 2007 Anno Domini

The mother from a party a few weeks ago randomly came up to me at the customer service desk and asked where my hat was. I think she was referring to my pirate hat, not the infamous red hat but either way it proves that I am invisible to women of all ages from the bottom of the brim of my hat down to about my knees, if not all the way down to the floor but at least she remembered my hat. Then again, don't they always?

c. May 15, 2007 Anno Domini

I had a very disturbing dream last night that apparently my old roommate had introduced me to some woman by the name of Gina (who as far as I know does not actually exist or even resemble any person living or dead) and that she and I got engaged but that part never actually happened in the dream because the dream started in the afternoon on the day of the wedding rehearsal.

Me, this imaginary Gina character, my old roommate, my old roommate's wife and a few of my friends from college were all chilling at my residence before leaving for the rehearsal dinner when The Tarrasque busted through the walls and started attacking us. For the uninitiated, the Tarrasque is a 50' tall monster from Dungeons and Dragons which sleeps for a few hundred years at a time, wakes up and does nothing but eat and lay waste to the surrounding area for about a year and then goes back to sleep. If I remember correctly it something like six attacks per round (one bite, two with its front claws, two with its rear claws and one with its tail), all of which do massive damage and in order to kill it you have to reduce it to -50 hit points and use five wish spells to wish its dead carcass doesn't get back up and avenge itself. None of us had any weapons (I suppose my sword cane was already in the car) so I came up with the idea of opening up all the wedding gifts and looking for items that could be used as weapons in an improvised sort of manner and we all started doing that.

Gina got taken out very early in the battle when she foolishly picked up a frying pan and climbed up on a shelf and jumped off trying to go all Tika Waylan style on the Tarrasque but Tarrasques are tougher than draconians by a factor of approximately infinity and the Tarrasque b-tchslapped her. Meanwhile the rest of us did our best to stay out of melee range and I tore open a couple boxes of cutlery and got a bunch of critical hits throwing steak knives but it wasn't doing much good because even if you're getting critical hits steak knives are still a puny weapon to use against The Tarrasque. I kind of hope that wasn't some sort of Freudian symbolism but whatever.

Everyone got beat up a little but we eventually defeated it although I collapsed from loss of blood shortly thereafter and when I woke up Gina and I decided to cancel the wedding on amicable terms and never see each other again because a Tarrasque attack on the day before your wedding is a really, really bad omen.

I think dreams are rubbish that don't ever mean anything but I'd like to think that maybe this one means I really shouldn't ever even think about getting married (not that I would anyway) but if I ever do I am going to put at least five vorpal weapons on the registry just to be safe.

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