c. November 17, 2004 Anno Domini
People are so stupid. Some girl in the box office said "Jonathan needs a girlfriend," so I skeptically asked her "what would I do with a girlfriend?," and she said "ummmmmmmmm," and couldn't think of anything. I can't stand people.
c. November 21, 2004 Anno Domini
In Regal news customers have been failing to demonstrate the ability to recite the title of the movie they want to see. The following incidents occurred yesterday while I was in the box office:
Customer 1: One ticket to Up The Creek
Me: You mean Without A Paddle?
Customer 1: Up The Creek, please
Me: Gives customer ticket to Without A Paddle and hopes he doesn't notice
Customer 2: Collateral Damage
Me: How many?
Customer 2: Two for Collateral Damage
Me: Prints tickets for Collateral and thinks "ay ay ay"
Customer 3: One student for Napoleon Bonaparte
Me: Napoleon Dynamite?
Customer 3: Whatever
Me: Napoleon Bonaparte was a French warlord who conquered most of Europe!
c. December 12, 2004 Anno Domini
Today I went to work. I was in projection once again. I think they are sending me up there four times per week until I finally get it right once, so it may be a while before I get back downstairs.
I learned how to fix a major catastrophic problem tonight in the same manner that I always learn how to fix major catastrophic problems up there: causing a major catastrophic problem and groveling for someone far more experienced than I to lend her/his expertise and then watching while she/he fixes it. At this rate I'm going to learn how to fix the entire building when it explodes into a cataclysmic fireball in about three days if I don't get my act together.
As I was on my way out an irksome little girl turned away from watching her friends play DDR to say "you look nice." I glared menacingly and told her "grrrrrr I disagree," and proceeded with my business and paid her no more attention. She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that it was not Halloween and also to the fact that even if it were Halloween "prostitute" is not an acceptable costume for a fifteen year old girl to go trick-or-treating in. Kids these days arrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh.
c. December 19, 2004 Anno Domini
Last evening an employee of Regal Entertainment Group informed me that he dreamed that he was in and old Japanese style room with waterfalls and stuff like that and I was standing in the other side of my room with my arms crossed ignoring him. He said "I bet I could overthrow you," and I continued ignoring him so he charged at me and tried to throw me down into one of the cascading waterfalls but he was unable to move me. I continued ignoring him whilst he attempted to throw me.
That guy has cool dreams.
c. December 20, 2004 Anno Domini
An employee noticed a poster for a new movie starring the infamous Katie Holmes yesterday and started rambling about how great Katie Holmes was and how she wished she could be as beautiful as Ms. Katie Holmes so I told her "you don't to be like Katie Holmes because then I would hate you like I hate her." She gave me no choice but to explain the sound basis for my hatred towards Ms. Holmes which is that Katie Holmes made me late for class once.
I was running a minute behind on my way to class so I took off sprinting in hopes of arriving on time but unfortunately for all parties involved there was a filming of Dawson's Creek taking place on my campus that day and the set happened to be directly in the quickest path from my dorm to my class and as I reached the set I was forced to take a rather lengthy detour and despite my prowess as a sprinter I arrived a full minute late. It's all the fault of Katie Holmes. I hope she gets scurvy.
Today, after I mowed the lawn a couple of my friends drove by to abduct me for various and sundry hijinks such as going to the mall, Wendy's and the theater to see Hero. Wendy's and the theater passed rather uneventfully, least by my standards. Nothing too out of the ordinary for this group of people happened. I wish I could say the same for the mall.
As usual we gravitated towards Hot Topic for some reason. Probably because they usually have one or two cool pirate shirts there. I'm all about the pirate shirts. Anyway I purchased one with a picture of a pirate that said "Brought to you by the letter arrrrr!," and was quite satisfied with the style of the shirt. Also today was declared International Talk Like A Pirate Day although that is every day for me so I didn't care that much. It just meant that I had a lot of posers trying to copy my style today.
One of those posers was working on the register at Hot Topic and rang up my purchase. I should have just plundered it and absconded but that would have resulted in incarceration so I didn't. The last place I wanted to spend International Talk Like A Pirate Day was in ye olde state penitentiary. That would have been a traumatic experience of epic proportions.
The cashier did have a splendid pirate shirt so I said to him "Arrrr matey, I be fancying ye shirt," and I guess he thought I was coming onto him or something although I honestly only meant that I appreciated the pirateyness of his shirt. Grrrrrrrrr. What is wrong with our society? You can't compliment a brotha on his shirt without it getting taken the wrong way.
Anyway he proceeded to mack all over me and also tried to sell me a pirate belt with a jolly roger belt buckle. At this point I was feeling quite uncomfortable. I tried to back out of the conversation when he said that the belt buckle included a beer can opener by asking "why does it have a beer bottle opener and not a rum bottle opener? WHAT KIND OF PIRATE DRINKS BEER? PIRATES ONLY DRINK RUM!!!!!!" and at this point I may or may not have been attracting a wee bit of undue attention from the other patrons of the establishment.
He said he didn't know what kind of pirate drinks beer because he wasn't around back then so I said "WELL I WAS AROUND BACK THEN AND WE ONLY DRANK RUM AND WHEN WE RAN OUT OF RUM WE JUST DRANK SEA WATER BECAUSE BY THAT POINT WE USUALLY COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY BUT WE NEVER DRINK BEER!!!!!!" and exited
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