c. September 10, 2010 Anno Domini
Captain's Log, (exact stardate unknown)
According to http://www.google.com/instant, Google Instant saves users between two and five seconds per search and would save 11 hours per second if every man, woman and child used it for every web search. Note that Google doesn't claim Google Instant would save 11 man-hours (although this would make sense and is what they want you to think), but 11 actual hours per second. Saving more time per second than actually passes by results in a negative net passage of time, which would lead to a temporal vortex. The temporal vortex caused by a discrepancy on the magnitude of 39,599 seconds per second would destroy the Earth, and seeing as how we are still here the only logical conclusion is that the Googleuminati created Google Instant so they could harness this excess time somehow and have managed to succeed. That leads to the question of what the Googleuminati intend to do with all that time on their hands. I suspect they are using the time they accrue (which amounts to almost one full year for every month the rest of us experience) to conduct advanced research in death ray technology. Before we know it, they will mount the Google Instant Actualizing Nicola Tesla (GIANT) Death Ray on the clandestine lunar base they secretly built in 2007 A.D. with the help of their reptilian overlords from Alpha Draconis, aim it at Terra and start making unreasonable and unseemly demands.
Fortunately, there is one way we can fight the Googleuminati's latest conspiracy: waste all the time they are saving before they can harness it. Open up your web browser, go to the Google home page and procrastinate. Procrastinate. PROCRASTINATE!!!! The two to five seconds you waste could be the two to five seconds that save us from the GIANT Death Ray. It's your moral duty.
c. September 11, 2010 Anno Domini
Awesome Things Mega Man Can Do But You Can't
1. Save the world by using his mega blaster to foil Dr. Wily's fiendish plans for world domination
2. Wear a "welcome to the gun show" shirt without looking like a douche
c. September 14, 2010 Anno Domini
I ate lunch at Subway today, and some mindless song was on the radio. About halfway through my meal, the radio abruptly cut out for seven seconds. I immediately scrunched up my shoulders, clenched my jaw and crinkled my brow. Within two seconds I was thinking, "Where is the infernal electronic simulation of a banshee's keening wail," because everyone knows a radio abruptly cutting out is a harbinger of doom. First, a cacophonous screeeeeeeeeech assaults the senses (yes, all five of them somehow), and then an announcer informs the populace of an impending tornado, flash flood or Communist nuclear strike, or announces that the next song will be (name withheld)'s* latest single. As it turned out, the Emergency Broadcast system wasn't warning anyone to hide the women and children or even conducting a test. Subway's speakers were just on the fritz. Five seconds into the silence, I became intellectually aware of this fact but I still braced myself aurally on the next four or five occurences. Just as I began to ignore the silences, Kool and the Gang came on and I started taking notice again, but only because Kool and the Gang deserves better than to be interrupted several times by faulty audio equipment.
c. September 17, 2010 Anno Domini
Obi-Wan Kenobi: These are not the droids you are looking for.
Stormtrooper 1: These are not the droids I am looking for, but I still need to inspect their passports and document their serial numbers on a Droid Visa Request Form. They're not carrying any liquids, are they?
Obi-Wan: But they are not the droids you are looking for!
ST1: Of course they are not, but I still need to complete the paperwork. It's protocol.
Stormtrooper 2: Lord Vader is a real stickler about paperwork, see.
ST1: We have to fill out a Droid Visa Request Form for each droid entering the spaceport and submit it in triplicate to the...
Obi-Wan: Blast the form! Can't you just let me through and make up any old serial number later? These are obviously not the droids you are looking for.
ST1: Not on my life, sir!
ST2: We would still need to get the signatures of the droids, which are not the droids we are looking for, on the Droid Visa Request Forms.
Obi-Wan: Can't you just let me through, make up fake serial numbers later and FORGE THEIR SIGNATURES?
ST2: What kind of scum do you think we are? Forging an official Imperial document is a very serious crime.
ST1: I daresay it would be even more heinous than not documenting the serial numbers of the droids we are not looking for.
ST2: I'm afraid I have to arrest you now for suggesting it, but I'll let your friend there keep your droids because they are not the droids we are looking for.
Obi-Wan: *condescendingly over-enunciating* Now just wait a minute. We all know these are not the droids you are looking for and I'm in a terrible rush to get off this wretched planet before anyone realizes that I'm the Jedi master who trained Anakin Skywalker so I can rescue a major figure in the leadership of the Rebel Alliance from the evil clutches of Darth Vader on the Death Star. Why don't I just slip you a few credits and be on my way without wasting any time on your stinking paperwork?
ST2: Attempting to bribe a representative of the Empire? Well, I never!
Luke Skywalker: Look over there! I think I see the droids you are looking for!
ST1 & ST2: *turn their backs on Obi-Wan, et. al. to peer off in the direction indicated by Luke*
Luke: Quick, Ben! Before they figure out my ruse.
Obi-Wan: About freaking time, young Skywalker.
Luke: Good luck finding those droids you are looking for, suckers!
c. September 22, 2010 Anno Domini
I almost died today driving into Waxhaw. While I was stopped at the red light at the railroad tracks on NC-16 South, a truck crossed the tracks in the opposite lane towing a trailer with two massive, rolled up bales of hay and one bale fell out. This was no ordinary bale of hay. It was twelve (12) feet tall and about the size of my car. If it had hit a bump in the road and bounced the wrong way, I would no longer be amongst the living and I would have been furious because I just paid the car off last week. Fortunately, it just bounced along the road a bit without crossing the center line and came to a rest right on the tracks. Some good samaritan cyclist, who could have easily swerved around the mother of all hay bales without a second glance stopped and moved it out of the way before a train came along and obliterated it.
c. September 27, 2010 Anno Domini
Because my job is highly sedentary, I make an effort to use the stairs whenever possible to at least get a little exercise. The building in which I work is only three stories high so even if I use the stairs and the beginning and end of my shift and on my lunch break it's still merely eight stories of stairs in all but every bit counts. The temptation to use the elevator is usually not significant, but lately I find myself giving in because they started playing a lot of Miles Davis and John Coltrane in there. Most of it is from Kind of Blue or Giant Steps, both of whic h I obviously own and could listen to in their entirety any time I wanted at home but I still end up in the elevator, drawn by the siren song of 15-20 second snippets of So What.
c. October 5, 2010 Anno Domini
I had some errands to take care of today before I move, and my mother asked me to pick up some green beans for her whilst I was out, so I picked up some green beans from Harris Teeter. She didn't specifically ask me to pay for them, so I didn't. Actually, I shouldn't blame that on my mother. She raised me better than to be a shoplifter. What really happened was that I went into Harris Teeter absentmindedly medidating on how I am going to keep my fantasy football team, Domingo Gigante, undefeated with LeSean McCoy out and Shonn Greene being Shonn Greene next week. Thusly, I was running the green bean mission on mental autopilot all the way up until I had the beans on the passenger seat of my car (with no receipt) and the key in the ignition. At no point in the interim did any Harris Teeter employee interrupt my reverie and ask why the bloody blazes I was walking out the door brazenly holding a package of green beans and making no effort at stealth or concealment. Once I became consciously aware of my misdeed, morality dictated I make reparations so I snuck the green beans back into the store with as much stealth as a fellow wearing a conspicuously bright red dress shirt and hoping desperately not to be noticed could muster and went through the checkout.
Upon further reflection, it would have been a lot easier to leave the green beans in the car, pay for an identical package at the self-scan checkout and conveniently "forget" to take them with me... but that would have been really awkward if a helpful Harris Teeter employee noticed my forgetfulness and helpfully told me I was leaving my paid-for purchase behind.
c. October 20, 2010 Anno Domini
Eight Year Old Girl: Everything in there is blue. No offense but... ... ... I'm a girl.
Me: Yeah?
Eight Year Old Girl: You could put some girly stuff in there
Me: Why would I do that? There aren't any girls living here
Eight Year Old Girl: You could get a wife, you know
Later, in the fitness center, I ran into an older couple I had met there last night. Another guy was lifting weights, and while I was on the treadmill the lady of the couple said to me, in a scandalized tone of voice, "Ese hombre tiene cinco mujeres." I replied, "Y yo no tengo ni una," and for some reason she thought that was FREAKING hilarious.
c. November 3, 2010 Anno Domini
Dear Those Who Roll Their Eyes When I Tell Them, "When I Was Your Age...,"
I checked my mail after work today and found a letter from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) beseeching me to renew my membership. Not that I actually have a membership to renew, but I think it speaks volumes that such an eminent authority on elderliness considers me qualified. Of course, when I was your age their organization was still officially known as the AARC, and the C stood for cavepersons.
Sincerely,
J.D. Roberts
c. November 18, 2010 Anno Domini
Lady: Has anyone ever told you you're very attractive?
Gentleman: Electromagnetically or gravitationally?
Lady: Neither. You emanate the strong nuclear force.
Gentleman: How would you know? I'm not in the habit of allowing women to get close enough to me for that to affect them.
Lady: You're right. I was just meson* with you.
* pun intended
c. December 11, 2010 Anno Domini
Mr. Peabody: Sherman, please set the Wayback Machine to 1200 B.C. The subject of today's lesson is the Trojan War.
Sherman: Sure thing, Mr. Peabody!
Mr. Peabody: The Greeks besieged the city of Troy because Paris, a Trojan prince, kidnapped Helen of Troy, the King of Sparta's wife.
Sherman: If Helen was the King of Sparta's wife, why wasn't her name Helen of Sparta?
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you. We'll be joining the Greeks in the tenth year of the war. Odysseus, the most cunning of the Greeks, is discussing strategy with the King of Sparta.
Mr. Peabody and Sherman: *travel to 1200 B.C.*
Odysseus: One more attack by the Trojans and we're toast. The men are all too sick to fight.
Meneleus: Isn't there anything we can do?
Odysseus: With this flu outbreak? We're done for. If only the Trojans were sick too... but they're safe in the comfort of their own homes while we're stuck outside their walls.
Mr. Peabody: If I may, I believe I have an idea that may be of some use. *whisper whisper whisper*
Odysseus: So we build a wooden horse, get all the men to cough and sneeze all over it and tell the Trojans it's a gift?
Meneleus: And then they get sick too?
Mr. Peabody: Precisely
Odysseus: Once the Trojans are sick too, that will level the playing field. We'll win the war and I'll be back home in Ithaca in no time!
Mr. Peabody: Well, Sherman... it's time to go. Say good bye to Odysseus.
Sherman: Good bye, Odysseus!
Mr. Peabody and Sherman: *return to the present*
Mr. Peabody: So you see Sherman, using the Trojan Horse, the Greeks infected the Trojans with the virus and won the Trojan War.
Sherman: Golly, Mr. Peabody. Your idea really helped the Greeks.
Mr. Peabody: Of course it did, boy. Haven't you ever read the Ill-iad?
c. December 23, 2010 Anno Domini
I purchased a 64 fluid ounce bottle of up&up brand moisturizing hand soap from Target yesterday, and the label on the back states:
Directions: Use up&upTM moisturizing hand soap to wash hands as you would use any liquid hand soap.
Upon reading that, I laughed uproariously. Either someone at Target has a sense of humor nearly as delightful as mine or they are really intent on capturing the growing "People who generally know how to wash their hands but are easily flummoxed by an unfamiliar brand of soap" demographic.
c. January 3, 2011 Anno Domini
Sometimes, I like to sit in the cafe at Borders with a cup of tea and a collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories waiting for someone to approach and ask about what I'm reading so I can say, "Some of his stories are cult classics." So far, no one has taken the bait.
No comments:
Post a Comment