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Thursday, April 28, 2011

VOLUME III - People Shouldn’t Attempt to Match My Legendary Feats and Other Tales

c. March 13, 2005 Anno Domini

Discussion at work was odd last night... we started talking about time travel and I wanted to know why Bill & Ted never started Bill & Ted's Excellent Shipping Company and guaranteed previous day shipping. From there it turned to how time travel would lead to the downfall of humanity because everyone would procrastinate and say that they would go back in time to get their work done later but then one day they would die without ever having gotten their work done.

c. March 19, 2005 Anno Domini

Last night I closed with my least favourite co-worker. The powers that be have assigned her and I to work together on a promotion for the movie Racing Stripes. It's going to be a long couple of months.

She randomly remarked "your beard grows so fast! You must have a lot of testosterone." What the blazes? I made up a story about sitting cross-legged on the floor in my bedroom and meditating upon the secrets of beard-growing for two (2) hours every night to make it grow faster whilst I am sleeping because quite frankly she has overstepped the bounds of professionalism.

c. April 11, 2005 Anno Domini

A woman inquired about group rates at the theater today and I politely told her that we do not have group rates so she flipped out and asked if she could get group rates on concession items and I once again politely informed her that we do not have group rates. Then she really flipped out and said "you are too young to be a manager and represent the theater!!!!!"

I responded by telling her that when I was her age we didn't talk to movie theater managers like that and that we treated them with a little respect.

Actually I didn't do that at all. She asked if she asked if she could speak to someone higher up than I but there wasn't anyone higher up than I in the theater at the time so I duped her by calling another manager who is younger than I and not higher up than I on the radio, but much smoother than I with the ladies and requesting his assistance. He proceeded to inform her that we do not offer group rates on tickets or concession items but he did escort her to the concession stand and read the menu to her aloud as if she were functionally illiterate. That calmed her down a bit and she bought twelve (12) tickets for Fat Albert.

She gave the other manager no trouble at all and did not question his qualifications for his position. Oddly enough he is a full year younger than I.

Later she returned to the customer service desk to request a refund for one (1) of the tickets because one (1) member of her party never showed up. I gave her a refund and she was very friendly. We had a polite conversation about how Fat Albert sends a positive message to children. I told her the movie had a positive message but the cartoon was even better. I think she was taken aback by the revelation that I was old enough to remember Fat Albert in animated form.

Then she asked me if the characters were really based on real people and I told her that they were all based on Bill Cosby's friends that he grew up with on the streets of Philadelphia and that Mr. Cosby based the kid in the blue shirt on himself. It was quite cordial, unlike our earlier conversation, mostly due to my restraint in not informing her of how much of an idiot she was.

c. April 12, 2005 Anno Domini

Grr. Work wasn't bad today until 5:45 PM when I was done with all my projection business and there were no more movies starting before the end of my shift and I made the mistake of going downstairs. I should remember never to go downstairs unless I am forced to.

Two (2) employees were working on preparations for the Racing Stripes promo, as they should have been. Or so they had me believe. They had all sorts of various and sundry arts & crafts materials in the birthday party room. For reasons unbeknownst to me they had blue paint. I don't need to know.

What I do need to know is how the blue paint ended up all over the forearm and hand of one of the ushers. He came out to concessions with his arm all blue so I asked him "why do you have blue paint all over your arm?," and he said "(name removed) had a paint issue."

I wasn't sure what that meant so I walked down to the birthday party room, where I found the blue paint but the employee in question was nowhere to be found. I didn't feel like looking for her or the other employee working on promo junk so I left a note for the two (2) of them that said:

(name removed) & (name removed),
Write an explanation of why (name removed)'s arm is blue and give it to a manager to put it in my box. Remember, this is the Racing Stripes promo, not the Smurf movie promo.

Mr. Roberts


But I fear that my point may have been lost upon them because they are only seventeen (17) years of age and I don't know if anyone younger than twenty (20) knows what a smurf is.

I can't wait to see their explanation. This better be good or I am going to smurf someone up.


c. April 19, 2005 Anno Domini

I saw a car with a license plate that said GO DIE. I'm mad that I didn't think of that first.

c. May 1, 2005 Anno Domini

Last night discussion of the upcoming snow turned to discussion of snowball fights and I think everyone at work now thinks I'm an evil bastard because once when I was a young and foolish university student I made a snowball and put it in the refrigerator until I heard my roommate coming back from class. Then I took it out and beaned him as soon as he opened the door. Is that a crime?

c. May 2, 2005 Anno Domini

I am riding a two (2) week hot streak of not dropping the Eucharist in front of the entire congregation at mass. Represent

c. May 10, 2005 Anno Domini

I'm a bad influence on my fellow movie theater managers. Maybe when I tell them outlandish but true stories about my life I should issue a disclaimer so they won't try to be as awesome as me.

A few days ago I was innocently enjoying my dinner when another manager noticed that my dinner consisted of five (5) junior bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy's and he thought that was a lot. I told him it wasn't really that much because they were only small junior bacon cheeseburgers and that really they were nothing compared to the two (2) one pound burgers I ate at Fuddruckers once.

Needless to say, I worked with him again tonight and found out that since the Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger incident he had taken it upon himself to go to Fuddruckers and tackle the one (1) pound burger but he couldn't finish it.

I laughed at him. So what if I'm harsh.

He wanted to know the secret of finishing off two (2) one pound burgers in one sitting. There really isn't any secret to it. It's not like I skipped any meals that day. I'm glad he didn't end up seriously hurting himself. People who are not me shouldn't try a lot of the things I do.

c. May 27, 2005 Anno Domini

I wore a rather ordinary, plain but brightly-coloured orange tie which contrasted quite sharply with my deep blue shirt today.

A polite eighty (80) year old lady with a degree in psychology (masters, I think) who works at the theater told me "I know this is going to embarrass you but ties are phallic symbols and with all your ties you appear to be 'advertising.'"

Incidents like that are why I have never had any interest whatsoever in the field of psychology. I merely happen to be an extremely stylish fellow with excellent taste in neckwear. There isn't anything else to infer. Egad.

c. May 29, 2005 Anno Domini

A very irate woman at the theater told me that a man had cut in front of her in line at the concession stand and she pointed him out to me. She said that because of him she was going to be late for her movie.

I asked her what she would like from concessions and offered to get it for her without making her wait in line so she would not be late because she was so irate. She stared at me as if I had asked her "so, would you like me to pick anything up from the local crack dealer for you before the show?," so I repeated my offer. She responded to my second attempt by pointing out the man who had allegedly cut in front of her and saying "I want you to stop him and make him late for his movie too!"

To put that in perspective... this woman appeared to be in her early to mid-thirties, not elementary school. I told her that I could not do that but I would do anything I could to help her get into her movie on time. She only insisted with increasing vehemence that the only proper way for me to respond to her complaint was to hold the guy up and not let him into the movie until it had already started. She did not want restitution. All she wanted was vengeance and vigilante justice!

Sadly, I am not in the habit of dishing out vigilante justice of that sort in my workplace, and even if I was what the blazes was I going to do? Approach the man and inform him that I was sending him to time out and make him sit in the corner for fifteen (15) minutes? Egad!

The woman stormed off and gave him a vicious tongue-lashing on her own which probably did make him late... then she found another manager and flipped out on him... found another manager and flipped out on her... found me again and said to me "I told someone about you not doing anything and now you are in trouble." Unbeknownst to her I am not in the least bit of trouble.

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