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Thursday, April 28, 2011

VOLUME VI - She Asked My Hat For Its Number and Other Tales

c. May 26, 2006 Anno Domini

Damsel In Distress Over A Regal Crown Club Issue: I forgot to use my Regal Crown Club card when I purchased my tickets.
Me: No problem. Just give me your card...
Damsel In Distress Over A Regal Crown Club Issue: gives me her Regal Crown Club (TM) card
Me: ...and I'll be keeping this now because you are obviously not responsible enough to be trusted with your own Regal Crown Club card.

c. June 11, 2006 Anno Domini

I had a strange zen moment at work today. It kind of sucked... work, that is. Not the zen moment. I suppose someone had been stuffing nacho chips into trays and dropped a glove on the floor or knocked a glove on the floor whilst brushing off the counter. A few hours later I was walking behind the poppers in the middle of trying to do a million things at once and I spotted the solitary glove on the floor. It had fallen on the floor in such a manner that it appeared to be personally shooting me the bird. A solitary, typical food service industry glove shooting me the bird... it was the perfect symbol of everything that had transpired in the theater this morning/afternoon, this week and pretty much since the day I started working there. The beauty of the symbolism struck me and I was at peace with Regal Cinemas for a moment but it quickly passed.

c. June 24, 2006 Anno Domini
At the movie theater tonight...

Saucy Little Wench: Nice hat! I love your hat its cute! You' re so cute!!!!!
Me: It's all the hat. Without the hat I'm nothing. takes off hat
Saucy Little Wench: You're right. Nice hat, though. Its so cute!

c. November 11, 2006 Anno Domini

Quotes from ten year old children during a birthday party/projection tour today

Me: Is there anything else you would like to see up here before your movie?
Ten year old kid 1: Saw 3!

Me: That is a 3000 watt bulb, its one of the most dangerous things up here. If you tried to touch it it would burn your hand off.
Ten year old kid 2: points to Mr. Obert, who is 6'5" (Editor's Note: He is actually 6'7") and in excess of 300 pounds Is he dangerous?

c. November 23, 2006 Anno Domini

While watching the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys with my mum...

Announcer: Witten takes out a Dallas cheerleader
My Mum: No he didn't! He knocked a cheerleader down... but he might have liked to have taken her out
Me: That would be a violation of NFL policy
My Mum: Really? NFL players aren't allowed to date cheerleaders?
Me: No, not at all.
My Mum: That's Regal's policy too, right?
Me: Not that I'm aware of. I think I'm allowed to date NFL cheerleaders

Not that I would want to date with an NFL cheerleader or that any NFL cheerleader would ever want to date with me. Especially not from Dallas. Ick. But if for some reason I ever did I'm fairly sure that my employer would not object and I wouldn't lose my job over it. But apparently what she meant is that managers at Regal aren't allowed to date with each other. Which is true.

c. November 30, 2006 Anno Domini
I had the honour today of conducting a tour of our projection booth for a little girl's seventh birthday party at the theater today. Birthday party tours are one of the few things I'm actually really good at but one tricky thing is that the kids always want to look through the port glass and enjoy the novelty of watching a movie from upstairs whilst walking around and... with twenty-two screens often nearly that many children it can sometimes be difficult to keep them in an area where every single movie they might possibly expose themselves to is rated G or PG. Its usually not tooooo bad if the kids are closer to 10-13 years of age but I try to be careful with groups as young as the one I had today.

Unfortunately I had made my mind up to let the birthday girl push the start button on the projector to start the movie. The kids usually love that part and its so cool to see their eyes light up with excitement when they realize that they actually started a movie for all the people downstairs watching it! This time the only movie starting at a convenient time for such an event was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest in auditorium #16 and to get there I had to escort them all past auditorium #14 which was playing the best dog gone motion picture ever made... SNAKES ON A PLANE! The birthday girl's father had already almost freaked out because they had all been crowding around the window checking out Invincible and the scene playing at the time happened to be on a plane... he had worriedly asked me "that's not that snake movie is it???? Horror of horrors!" so I was hoping that if I rushed them along quickly enough, warning them that if we didn't hurry the movie would get started late they might stay focused and not get distracted by that Baron of Bad M-th-rf-ck-rs, Samuel L. Jackson but one girl had to ask which movie that was playing as we walked by #14.

I told her... "nothing interesting at all. You wouldn't want to see it anyway. Too many snakes and you're not old enou---" and she interrupted by screaming "I LOVE RATTLESNAKES!!! I WANT TO SEE THAT!!!!!," and jumping up and down. The birthday girl's father was... a little concerned. I hurried everyone along doubly-quick to avoid exposing impressionable young children to the visceral horror of vicious snake attacks... but I have to admit it made me smile to see a little kid so young as excited as I was about Snakes on a Plane.

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